Burn the Podium...and make way for my ego...

The Meme Bandwagon

2006-12-04T11:44:00.000-11:00

Since I'm third in line to do this meme-thingy (does that rhyme?), I find solace only in the fact that my new entry shows a shorter time gap between this and the last than that of Chris. He will, of course, find a way to accuse me of writing it at work (I didn't; I'm doing it to avoid paying bills).

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1. Flip to page 18, paragraph 4 - in the book closest to you right now, what does it say?

"Paul looked at his mother. She told the truth. He wanted to get away alone and think his experience through, but he knew he could not leave until he was dismissed. The old woman had gained a power over him. They spoke truth. His mother had undergone this test. There must be terrible purpose in it...the pain and fear had been terrible. He understood terrible purposes. They drove against all odds. They were their own necessity. Paul felt that he had been infected with terrible purpose. He did not know yet what that terrible purpose was."

~Dune, by Frank Herbert

2. If you stretch out your left arm as far as possible, what are you touching?

A pack of D batteries, a maglite flashlight, and a pacifier.

3. What's the last program you watched on TV?

Good Eats, with Alton Brown

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.

6:47 (damn...my rhythm is messed up...actually 5:55)

5. Aside from the computer, what can you hear right now?

The whirring of my computer, my new hd projector we use instead of a tv, and my wife's soap opera

6. When was the last time you were outside and what did you do?

I grilled some hamburgers and hotdogs about a week ago. Sat down after cleaning the house; was nice to sit in my outdoor chair on my patio, enjoy the fresh "just-showered" feel, experience the 2nd beer tenderize my neck and wash over my facial muscles, and smell my hamburgers smoking...the sunset wasn't bad, either.

7. What are you wearing?

Jeans, white Reebok socks (the footy kind), my favorite Lucky Charms tee, and a green Old Navy hoody that says "Alaska" on it.

8. Did you dream last night? If you did, what about?

I didn't dream. When I do, it's usually lucid--yes, I have changed many of my dreams because they weren't heading a very fun direction.

9. When was the last time you laughed?

Today. When I proposed in an analogy to my students that a particular kid could die any time, any where, that kid got a shocked look and asked, "What would you say if I really did die?? Wouldn't you feel bad?" I replied, "No...I'd test my powers on that kid," and pointed to one I give a lot of joking crap to, "and find it out if was just a fluke. Then, I go into private verbal assassin business."

10. What's on the walls, in the room you're in right now?

I have two Lord of the Rings authentic swords (Glamdring, Gandalf's sword, and Narsil, the unbroken version of the sword you see Sauron stomp on and break; Aragorn later wields it after Elrond has it reforged). I'm in my office and don't have a lot of other stuff.

11. Have you seen anything strange lately?

I saw two teenagers in the hall today and they weren't having violent orangutan butt sex with each other or yelling, "Where's my muthaf*ckin' n*gg*'s??"

12. What do you think about this meme?

I usually find them cheesy and I'm intimidated by the pressure I put on myself to stand up to Brian and Muddy's whit, sarcasm, and jaded, intellectual cynnicism.

13. What's the last film you saw?

Borat.

14. If you became a multimillionaire, what would you do with the money?

I'd open up a private school and hire away all the extraordinary teachers and administrators I know (yes, I can pay better than the state and I can match and better that retirement plan). I'd also buy a restaraunt (hell, Brian and Muddy, you can run my microbrewery attached to the place). I wouldn't run it or anything. I'd just enjoy owning it and eating there.

New house for me, my family members, maybe some friends. Open a few charities. Maybe even set my friend George Parks free from UMASS so he can just play drum major for the rest of his years.

15. Tell us something about yourself that most people don't know.

I wet the bed until I was 10. Also, at the age of 9, I got caught trying to watch scrambled porn on the downstairs tv. I never got caught again.

16. If you could change ONE THING in this world, without regarding politics or bad guilt, what would it be?

You said "make." Not sure I'd try to MAKE people do anything, since I really enjoy free will, but I'd want everyone to be nicer and more polite to each other. Hell...I know some fellow superstitionarians (Christians) that could use some lessons in tolerance and love (what the hell are you doing on Sunday mornings?)

17. Do you like dancing?

I've danced (outside of a few swing dance lessons I took when I dated a girl from Tech in college), exactly twice. Senior prom, when Brian and I danced with our English and Chem teachers (with whom I know work and call colleague) and at some lame-ass club in Miami when Tech went to the Carquest Bowl. After Becky Lee made fun of my dancing, and some strangers laughed and formed up a circle around me, I tucked tail and ran. Later that night, I got drunk off wine coolers I didn't pay for while watching Jarrel Pair critique the cinematographic qualities of some soft porn in the hotel room.

18. George Bush?

Didn't vote for him. I want to like him (as a character). I dig the way he says "Uh-mir-uh-kuh." I don't care what SNL says, he isn't stupid. Wrong, perhaps; stupid, no. I agree with Chris: veto something dammit! Time for him to go, interested to see the entertainment the next election charade provides.

19. What do you want your children's names to be, girl/boy?

Already have my Maggie Ryan. If a boy next, Wyatt David. If a girl next, Sophie Amanda.

20. Would you ever consider living abroad?

Totally. I guess. No, I can't say that for sure, since I've never been out of the country besides going on cruises and 2 days in drum corps venturing into Montreal. I think living in Switzerland, Austrailia, or Grand Cayman would be nice.

21. What do you want God to tell you, when you come to heaven?

What...you mean...I made it!!?!?!?

22. Who should do this meme?

Uhhh...no idea. But if you do do it and post to your blogspot, you are just a copying poser.

Syrian Terrorists Throw Like Girls

2006-09-15T11:02:00.000-11:00

They really do.

“Witnesses also said the gunmen tried to throw hand grenades into the embassy compound, shouting "Allah Akbar!" or "God is great!" It was not clear if any of the grenades made it over the walls, which are about 8 feet high.”

I ROFL in real life at that. We’d better be kicking the Syrian Terrorist Olympic Basketball Team’s ass if they can’t put the brick in the hole from eight feet.

They sure do talk a lot about the Syrian police dept, and I’m glad to hear they’re doing their job. I wonder, though, if any Marines employed any firepower.

Big, Fat Duh

2006-09-08T11:23:00.000-11:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060908/sc_nm/science_war_dc

I love when experts” tell us things that we already know. Someone who’s a real scientist—tell me. Is this really science (at least, necessary science)? Sure, we need to check our assumptions, myths, old-wives’ tales, and urban legends to see if what people believe is actually true…

…but don’t you think nearly ten thousand years of recorded history is evidence enough? Look at football, rugby, and wrestling (ignore golf, ping-pong, and bowling). Most men like to form teams headed by an Alpha Male and then go out to kick some ass.

It would be weak to point out that “Matt…you don’t see all the tough grrrrlz out there playing soccer now? Football? Field hockey? Girls are competitive, too!” Sure, there are competitive women. Men are simply more aggressive and ready to mob up and crack skulls than women are, generally.

Men tend to show power. Men are interested in power. Man either wants to build or tear down—both are symbols of ability, prowess, potency. Not that women don’t like to do these things, either…but women like to preserve, tend to, and secure things. Men establish, women maintain. Both have their qualities, both have their dangerous faults.

But Brian, I sure as hell hope that very little NSF money (from our pockets) went into this study to show us what we already know…

In other news, most men like beer, sex with women, and seeing midgets do funny things.

The Bottom Line

2006-09-07T11:07:00.000-11:00

I teach literature to juniors in high school. I have been for five years. I have passion for what I do—I try to do it at a level of excellence that makes a difference in the lives of my kids. It’s not my job, it’s no my vocation—it’s what I do. It’s a bug I have. Writers have the writing bug (which I don’t have, I must sadly admit…sadly, because I would love to write novels for a living), so they write. Scientists have the science bug, so they break stuff open and see what’s happening. Politicians have the politics bug, so they lie.

I have the teaching bug. I teach. Ask my friends, my family…my wife. I can’t help but teach. The minute I realize that something needs explained or communicated, my brain shifts into fifth gear, thinking of how the information should be presented, depending upon the audience, the time allotted, and the materials.

This isn’t so much about how much I love teaching, however. This is about how much I hate the bottom line.

In standard, public education, the bottom line is not learning. I repeat: the bottom line is not learning. No, I understand—for many of you in my reading audience (gut-laugh…I said “many” and “my audience” in the same sentence) who may be teachers, I understand that in your classroom, student learning, comprehension, and independence are the bottom line. But in the world of standard, public education…erudios mundi (someone check my abysmal Latin; I never took a day of lessons)…the bottom line is the vast sum and average of test scores; numbers, if you will, are the bottom line.

I wish I could summarily dismiss evaluations by politicians of whether or not a student has learned something, but I can’t. Before you argue that politicians aren’t in control of judging student learning and teacher success, I direct your attention to the yearly parade of newspaper and network broadcasts of national SAT rankings. I direct your attention to the acronym “AYP.” I direct you to the catastrophic No Child Left Behind (hint: the brain-child of the two alcoholics in American politics, Ted Kennedy and Dubya).

To tackle how stupid, misguided, and intellectually debilitating it is to allow politicians to decide what is best for education and to judge whether teachers and students have succeeded would be unnecessary. It serves no purpose to say that retards shouldn’t play with sharpie scissors. It’s common sense. Plain, apparent logic.

I’ll boil it down to a classroom level—mine, to be exact. The bottom line evaluation, to me, that demonstrates whether a student has learned something or not, is the student’s demonstration of a targeted skill, unguided. The state requires me, along with the faceless education gods, that I assign a letter grade to this. I’m okay with assigning letter grades. It’s a benchmark for the student to understand how close or far away he is from attaining and mastering a skill. Nevertheless, that letter grade is not the bottom line.

The bottom line is the interaction between the student, myself, and his reaction to each evaluation. A research scientist never accepts the data from his first experiment as the final formulation of a reliable theory, yet students take standardized tests and whatever the score is, that becomes the indicator of success or failure, learning or not learning. For those of you educated in a public school, raise your hand if you ever read a book, talked about it, took one test, and then, regardless of your score on the test, never touched the book again in that course.

Wow…that many of you…

…it’s bad enough when a teacher’s bottom line of whether a student is learning becomes the grade in the grade book. To me, it’s worse when the student and parent assume it as their bottom line.

Bottom line of the tirade? Not for the first time, did I speak this morning with a dad regarding his child’s grade. Apparently, he “feels” that his son is putting forth his best effort and his grade doesn’t reflect that. I asked him if he’d seen his son’s work. He couldn’t recall the subject matter or skill level of anything he’d seen of his son’s writing or thought. I informed Dad that random-kid hadn’t come to see me for extra help, though the invitation has been made generally and individually (on the student’s last analysis journal). Nevertheless, Dad’s feeling demands that his son’s grade rise, based on effort.

Dad was crippled, early on, in his own educational experience. He must have learned that A or B means good and that anything less is bad and that all grades must be good and that no grades must be bad. Students have to be equally talented in all areas of study and that it unacceptable for a student to be less qualified in one subject than in any other. To Dad, success is not the process of learning, nor the demonstration of skill mastery. It’s only the attempt. If you try hard, are nice, good-looking, show some pluck, and cry just enough, that should earn you an A. Sorry. That gets you an A in Hollywood, but not in law, medicine, or in my classroom. It doesn’t make the hamburger cooked. It doesn’t build the road securely. It doesn’t defend the homeland from outside dangers. It doesn’t put out the fires.

Sure, grades have a purpose. However, A does not mean good and F does not mean bad. A means, you have demonstrated attainment of a skill and should move on to the next, more rigorous level of study. F means that you have attained no demonstrable success in the skill—none that is satisfactory on any acceptable, average level—and should not continue on in the course work until you have shown acceptable skill…not as punishment, not as a personal judgment on your intrinsic value…but for your own good as a student. It would be a disservice to you on my part if I found you to be utterly lacking in skill and yet still passed you on to subject matter you have no hope of mastering.

Regardless, Dad thinks that a C (which means, “Hey…any average person out there matches you in skill here. Move on if you like, but the going only gets tougher from here. Be ready”) is bad and that his son shouldn’t have to be responsible for revising his journal for a remediated grade.

Do you believe that? Dad is upset that I’m giving his son another shot at learning, or at least demonstrating learning, for a changed (and hopefully better) grade! Dad wants the book closed at level B, regardless of whether his kid has learned anything very well. He views the extra chance only as extra work, not as the next step in education. Dad wishes to shut out reality and shape his son, and the world around him, according to what he’d like, rather than what is. He further reinforces his son’s attitude of entitlement by fighting for an unearned grade.

I can’t tell you how much damage this does to the philosophy I want my students to assume:

Destroy your desire for a high grade. It is a great thing to have, an A, but it does you no good in the real world. The people you really wish to impress, the people you want to work with, the people who will write your check (or patronize your business) will never care if you got an A in English in high school. What they care about is what I care about. Your attitude. Destroy your desire for a high grade. Though a great thing, it becomes the very chain to your learning mind that drowns.

Strive for personal excellence. Desire to be the smartest, hardest working person you can be. Educate yourself as much as you can. Learn anything and everything. Do it not for the grade, but for yourself. I have friends who make great beer—they don’t do it for a grade, they do it for love, passion, fun. They do it for no other reason than that they desire to learn to make and enjoy the best beer they can. People who aim for a particular pay scale or grade find themselves at a glass ceiling, they “plateau.” Once their goal is achieved, they lose motivation, they realize that the journey they embarked on in life was pointless, beyond the destination they’ve reached.

Tiger Woods’ goal is never a trophy or money. With his talent, and more importantly desire and work ethic, the trophies and money take care of themselves. Same with Michael Jordan. Same with any great musician or author. Same with the guy who lacks talent in golf. If he seeks to become the best he can, to enjoy the experience of learning the game for its intrinsic worth and weight, trophies or money (or lack thereof) will ever disappoint him. Those aren’t what he’s after. He’ll find that, trophy or not, every time he ventures onto the links, new revelations and enjoyment will manifest themselves. Would he like a trophy, money, recognition? Sure. But if they were his only goal, once gotten, golf would lose it’s purpose in his life.

The exact same is true for education. Once gotten, if valedictorian, class presidency, or a particular is a student’s measure of success, their experience and time in high school loses its weight and heft. He loses himself in college, not understanding why their professors don’t give a damn about their valedictory accomplishments in high school. It’s where the mid-life crisis comes from.

Parents, the government, MTV, the pastor, peer-comparison…they all place false expectations and faulty evaluations on what success is. The bottom line isn’t a grade, it certainly isn’t wealth, and you’re not going to have it handed to you just because you feel it should be.

I wish there was a way to teach and instead of having report cards be the standard of success, have employers come in and interview and test for hiring. The student chooses the employment tests and interviews they’d like to engage in. I teach students who care about learning, care about personal success, care about being the best they can be…and if that means a C in English, then so be it. They’re going to be an architect anyways. However, the processes they used in learning English are the processes they’ll use to learn in architecture, an area in which they have real talent and will definitely master skill.

...the use of force.

2006-07-15T05:20:00.000-11:00

I'm going to say that I'm admittedly underinformed about the Middle East.

That said, in regards to the current escalation between Hezbollah and Israel, I have to say, "F**k you up some Hezbollah, dude."

I'm sure, since they're humans, that not every Israeli soldier is a saint and solely protecting his sovereign nation with fairness, patience, and precise discrimination. I also know that an impoverished populace of Arabs that have been raised to religiously and culturally desire the destruction of the Zionist race/culture/religion have a large chip on their shoulder. Couple that with the fact that more and more Muslims feel persecuted for the nervous glances they all get from people (or the sanctions and pressure being placed on their countries by the world). You get some pissed-off Hezbollahns [yes, I made that up].

Simple story I'm getting from the news: Hezbollah hates Israel. Hezbollah fires rockets across the Lebonese border into Israeli cities. They kidnap Israeli soldiers. There has been no formal, official, or clear statement of war between Lebanon and Israel, yet members of Hezbollah, which holds official posts in the Lebonese government, have kidnapped Israeli soldiers.

Result? Israel doesn't go to the UN (which hates Israel anyhow), like the Japanese, begging for some resolution. Israel acts like a sovereign nation and goes hunting the bastards.

I'd definitely like to see surgically precise strikes on Hezbollahn targets that don't kill civilians, but it happens. Not to say that it's not sad when a civilian dies, but it does happen. Factor in that I find it extremely plausible that Lebanon and Hezbollah both end up claiming some of those casualties as civilian when they were actually unidentified Hezbollahns [I kind of like my made-up word].

Regardless, consider if the Green Party (do they hold any position in the government? Let's pretend like the they hold a seat or two in both houses) in America decided that the Mexican government were evil (not too far off base) and officially announced that its purpose, along with making everyone wear hemp clothing and drinking soy milk, was the obliteration of the Mexican people. Then the Green Party dons its masks (though the disguise isn't successful at all...you can always tell the Green Party folks...the hairy pits on the females, the wimpy lack-of-chin males, and the screeching voices)and fires rockets into some Mexican towns...

[NOTE: I bet Mexico would be a little better off with some spring cleaning using some rockets...]

Then, they kidnap some Mexican soldiers (luring them with the opportunity to work at a local golf course and all the Corona they can drink).

I'm fairly sure the entire damned world would scream...freaking shriek...for America to reign in the Green Party and clean up its own house. Mexico would threaten with violence.

Guess what! I'd like to think the U.S. would beat the hell out of whoever did this and get those soldiers back to Mexico. Hell...those soldiers would probably end up with EZ dual-citizenship, free houses here, and a gigantic ass-kissing party thrown in honor of Vincente Fox.

If it didn't happen, there'd be hell to pay and I'd have a hard time blaming Mexico if it crossed the border, acting like a sovereign nation--treating another sovereign nation the way it should be treated when a sovereign nation doesn't do shit about what members of its own government are doing to other sovereign nations.

I know, I know...I'd be mad too, if Mexico starting bombing our airports and blockading us (snicker), but they're specifically not like Israel in this analogy because they're not surrounded by nations with the same culture that shares a goal--we want all of you to die so we can take your land. So, no...I wouldn't think it's right for Mexico to go bombing our airports--but in Israel's situation, I think they pretty much have to win their battles by convincing all the others that they're more dedicated to winning that the other side.

Get your soldiers back, Israel. If you can, blow the hell out of any Hezbollah-type targets you can. Do your very best to leave Lebanese civilians alone. Pressure the hell out of Lebanon to crack down, too.

Hezbollah...throw down your weapons, turn yourself in to the Lebonese government, hand over the soldiers...and the crap storm can stop. That simple.

I now await your more balanced thoughts, comments, and "helpfulness."

Superman Returns...and no one but the toy stores and Superman fans cares much

2006-07-15T03:56:00.000-11:00

Let's get to this, shall we? (ignoring the fact that I post roughly 1.2 times per 5 months now and that no one is reading this...)

Casting: Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey were the best choices for sure. Routh was given appropriately "Superman" things to do and say in the movie and he did spectacularly. Spacey did amazingly well, given the overall poor dialogue and mostly pointless scheme he was given to act out. Bosworth is hot and I'd hit it, but the spunky Lois Lane she is not.

They avoided sappy cliche a few times (they did fall into the trap, though...with the already been done Lois and Supes flying scene), even overtly letting us think they would drop to the level of overly sentimental (i.e. the Sleeping Beauty scene), but turn away just at the last moment...which to me, came off as a game of homosexual chicken--whoever turns away last wins, but both feel pretty awkward and the winner really shouldn't brag.

Special effects were special effects. These days, the effects can be made so amazing that most top budget films posess action and settings and even magical effect that are indistinguishable from real life. I was thankful that the flying was well done and eons above what was created in movies like "The Matrix: Revolutions."

It was a decent (but not really teh awesome) script and I find no problem with a story that teaches or role models values like hope, truthfulness, perseverence, justice, or even, yes, the American Way. We don't get enough movies these days in which a powerful person doesn't just wallow in their inner conflicted demons. I like Batman for the whole "we're all one step away from being the bad guy" thing...I like Superman for a different reason.

Superman is what we all are supposed to want to be; powerful and good, despite the corruptiveness of that power. Who else could afford to lie, steal, destroy, and even use X-ray vision for naughty purposes and get away with it? But he doesn't. He's always on his best behavior. It makes him a little naive and a little stupid sometimes--"Didn't your father ever tell you to look before you leap?" But then again, if he questioned, tested, and distrusted everything around him, he'd be more cynnical and skeptical--more like Batman. This quality in Superman creates a breeding ground for stupid plot elements that end up making Superman look like a dupe, but then again, most good natured, innocent, open, and helpful people seem to us like well-meaning dolts. Nevertheless, it's the dolt that saves the day in this movie.

What's more, because Superman is what we should want to be, ethically, the comics (and the movies) make us try to be him, too. This movie showed us something I especially liked--the effect Superman has on weakling humans to attempt and even accomplish super-human things because it's the right thing to do. I hope others enjoyed the analogy the scriptwriters tried develop between Superman and Richard. They are both men of action, both good guys, both love Lois, both fly, both love Lois' son, and both are brave. The Superman and the Just-a-man. I loved it.

Still, I have to say that the overall effect of the movie leaves me underwhelmed. That is, for me, the one inexcusable flaw of the movie: I wasn't overwhelmed. The trailer was great. When I hear "Krypton" in the background and get shots of a raven-haired, skinny kid in blue jeans leap out of a corn field with a neat sun-beam filter effect, I get all jittery and want to don my bed-sheet cape. Too bad the guy that made the trailer wasn't involved in the actual movie itself.

Not all acting was brilliant, the plot developed far too slowly, the nefarious scheme Luthor hatched did not seem immediately dangerous enough to me for me to care a lot about the "billions of people that will die," and the editing seemed soft, too (see opening credits and the final shots of the film with Superman in space...the music and the shots didn't match up as dramatically as they should have...moments of greatness were Superman's fall from space, the not-quite-crash-landing in the baseball stadium, and the several "iconic photo-ops").

I give it a B...good enough...for me...to poop on. I'm a little sad that I wasn't blown away by the movie, but then again, my anticipation for greatness was high.

It is time...

2006-05-25T15:00:00.000-11:00

...to update.

First, let me say, there's been an addition to my World of Mattcraft Guild. We have a new member--her name is Maggie. If this is news to you, then I must have left you off the email list. My apologies. I didn't care enough to contact you. Don't feel like it's a reflection upon my estimation of you, so much as a distinct, objective lacking in your existential worthiness (translation: I forgot you existed. Oops!).

Here's the rugrat!

It's pretty damned amazing to realize how much I love someone that barely has a personality. So far, her defining habits and personality traits include crying, sleeping, crying more, smiling when she craps her diaper, and then crying that her diaper is full of pure evil.

She dropped in on April 9, so it's been not quite 7 weeks...and no, I'm not going to be one of those parents that measures his kid's age in months past a year. When she's one, she's 1--not seventeen months.

It's cool and daunting being a father, but at least I got that pesky little genetic urge to spread my seed officially taken care of. The rest of 'em are for fun!

My, my!

2005-10-07T01:21:00.000-11:00

It's been a while since the two of you that read this blog have seen me post.

Sad to say that all I'm doing is dropping another one of those stupid ytmnd posts on the page.

Also...quick shout out to Brian and Marsha Hawkins--newly married and hopefully happy. Cheers! A beautiful wedding; I had a blast; it was an honor to be there with you on your day.

Like a hurricane...

2005-09-06T19:20:00.000-11:00

You know me--any time I can combine tasteless humor, 80's music, video games, and current events...ummm...I will combine them.

Err...

...just check this out.

Blame Game-much?

2005-09-06T18:50:00.000-11:00

So, we're just about to begin the process of draining, cleaning, and sweeping up dead bodies. We've still got plenty of people without power, water, food, and medical care. I'll refrain from any blame-laying rant, for now.

But, for some perspective in that area, you must read this.

BLOCKED!!!

2005-09-06T18:41:00.000-11:00

My county's school board has blocked yet another useful, educational webtool from our use: www.wikipedia.com.

It’s an exhaustive web encyclopedia that uses links, documents, and pictures to cross reference just about as much human knowledge as people can come up with. This is not “web page” or “blog.” It’s a professional resource, overseen by CEO’s, professors, doctors, and researchers, as well as hobbyists, practitioners, and experts.

Does the person in charge of banning websites have nothing better to do? I can’t even get a picture of a bird that shows up in one of our junior short stories from the National Bird Watching Society website (it’s a hobby, you know—wouldn’t want anyone learning anything about hobbies at school!).

I do a lot of my research for classes online at school (before and after). They’re basically gimping my access to webtools integral to research, study, and preparation…

Am I a little too upset by this? I guess so. I’ll just pop a copy of the Demi Moore version of The Scarlet Letter into the VCR. That’ll raise me some test grades!

Put your alms in my palm...

2005-08-18T20:15:00.000-11:00

You know, Americans are the most generous people in the world—not the most generous spirited—but we do set aside more money and resources for the poor, the needy, the “less fortunate,” the homeless, the deprived, the downtrodden, the down-on-their-luck, the mentally ill, the physically handicapped, and the weak than any other nation out there. Sure, we do it begrudgingly sometimes; we do it periodically without a lot of metaphysical, philosophical thought; we budget it into our schedule and accounts as a matter of business. So, no…I don’t claim that Americans are the Mother Theresas of the world—but the material benefit we provide people, not only of other nations, but our own, pretty much kicks ass over any soup or bags of flowers Ole’ Tess ever brought to any Bangladeshis.

So, it makes me want to go and beat the ever-loving turds out of these lazy, entitlement-crazed, good-for-nothing, lying, cheating whiners in Atlanta. Read the story then come back to me.

(cue elevator music)

Got it? Great. The time and energy with which these people are fighting the panhandling ordinance could be better spent finding a job, joining a generous church, or even just thinking about doing those things. They scream and cry and demand of other people who do that which they refuse to do themselves—what spoiled, fat, lazy bums.

Mind you, I’m not addressing the mentally ill or the utterly physically infirm—no. They have no choice but to rely on the generosity of others; I have no problem whatsoever with an altruistic person or altruistically acting government providing them with a chance to gain back the life they might have had, had they not suffered a stroke, been struck by a drunk driver, or not smitten with cerebral palsy or a similar problem. No, I speak to the physically and mentally capable malcontents who salivate at the opportunity to collect a government check—money produced by the effort, education, sweat, care, and time of others.

The only essential difference between the majority of these homeless and you and I?—it’s not necessarily smarts or strength. It’s pretty much a matter of choice. You and I choose to take control of our lives; we’ve decided to work and better ourselves and situations, rather than cry, carp, and squeal about how tough and mean life is.

I’m not saying it’s easy being homeless or poor and, yes, bad stuff beyond your control can and does happen. But expecting others to clean up your mess for you is plain impolite and greedy. You should see the footage of these people on the lawn of Atlanta City Hall: the crying, the sniveling, the spitting, the frothing at the mouth.

…all this because Atlanta had to make a law saying that the homeless couldn’t panhandle near stores, on college campuses, or on the property of museums and attractions.

Nope—I have no major problem with a poor guy asking me for some change. I’ll either give him some, or say no. But once you’ve spent a week going to Georgia State University and had some aggressive, smelly, and all-together scary person not just ask you, but demand of you your money—and upon turning them down, been yelled at or even threatened by a group of these folks, you’ll no longer view it as an innocent little “freedom of speech” interaction.

Besides, it’s only been truly recently that the panhandling has gotten out of hand. There has been lots of it through the years, but the swarms have gotten large—the homeless fight and kill each other now for their spots. They accost passersby, they become physical eyesores that deter customers from entering and patronizing restraints, stores, and offices. Don’t the proprietors of these places have rights, as well? Don’t the customers?

((edit: I'm sure the main reason I support this law, besides this crap I'm spewing, has a lot to do with my nagging conscience--the little angel on my shoulder that says, "You should be kind! Give the poor urine-drenched beggar some change!" If they can't bother me at the Coke Museum, Underground, Turner Field, or GSU, they won't bother me at all--I go nowhere else in Atlanta, really.))

If it were a matter of “some homeless dudes just asking for some change,” the ordinance would be a complete waste of time (like most government intrusions). But it’s the entitlement-minded activists and the growing number of poor (not the poor Atlanta produces, but the poor Atlanta imports from surrounding states who hear about the free stuff poverty-stricken Atlantans get) who brought the issue to the table.

I know it sounds far-fetched, ludicrous, and even stupid to say that a poor person could be greedy, but it’s a distinct possibility, even if not likely. The compounded problem is that they’re also likely lazy. Sorry…I don’t buy into the “noble poor” idea. It’s not noble to be poor. It’s not a quality. It’s not an achievement. To be poor, all you have to do is nothing.

It is the greedy mob of poor people, along with their well-meaning but misguided activist friends who truly set the homeless up for a fall here. By feeding the greed, the entitlement-demand, and making excuses for laziness and poor choices, they’ve pushed the Atlanta City Council to intrude upon public life and pass this law...and put any and all panhandlers, aggressive or not, bothersome or not, totally out of commission...at least, near the nice parts of town.

Hmmm...good game, Panhandle-law Fighters!

That’s just my two cents, but I hope it makes a difference. Hell…you’ll probably just buy booze with it, anyhow.

I'm a...

2005-08-15T18:00:00.000-11:00

...no, not a little tea-pot...

...and definitely not whatever it was you were thinking, Chris and Brian...

I'm a shitty ball-player!

At least I married Shannon Ford.

/discuss

YTMND?

2005-08-11T17:26:00.000-11:00

...don't know where this stuff came from, or how long it's been going on, but some of it is crap-your-pants funny, some stuff is stupid, some makes you mad (if you take Harry Potter seriously), and some stuff makes you wish you hadn't clicked it.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

I won't be collecting...

2005-08-03T18:15:00.000-11:00

...my wife's life insurance, in the case that she's murdered.

I know I shouldn't joke about stuff like this, but when has that ever stopped me? Well, that and the fact that she and I already joked about it together gives me license...

She's got a pretty decent policy, suffice it to say.

She warned me, however, that should I ever murder her, she'll curse me, asking that God place me in prison for life where a large man makes me his bitch and has butt sex with me every day, sometimes twice.

Just because of that statement, I love her more...

My New Digs

2005-07-29T17:00:00.000-11:00

I love my new school.

If you know me even passingly well, you know what school system I just left (ahem, what cocoon of troubled, apathetic, and misguided confusion I emerged from, if you like).

The good:

--the building is big, clean, lets in tons of natural sunlight, doesn't feel like a cave, has a huge-ass gym and cafeteria, and plenty of fields for athletics and plenty of concrete for parking.

--the principle and his administration are helpful, friendly, organized, and streamline as much of the bullshit bureaucracy off my desk as possible...you know, so I can teach.

--my coworkers are smart-assed English nerds who keep offering to run copies for me, share files, stamp my textbooks, cover classes for me, and let me use their log-in passwords when mine won't work. They're laid back and fun to be around--and they've worked damned hard to make me feel like part of the crew. An awesome bunch who love students, enjoy teaching, and when the game clock starts, they start throwing down. And they drink beer.

--I get to teach with my AP English teacher from my own high school years(c/o '96! Woot, woot!) Joan's a hoot...a weirdo, scatterbrained, and brilliant. It'll be fun being her colleague and friend.

--I had 57 students (with their parental units) come to open house last night. Not impressive until you realize I teach all juniors and the open house was meant for freshmen. Emails, numbers, info, facial recognition, etc...all new to me!

--the kids are totally neat. Motivated? Hard working? Generous? Friendly? I had several kids, both Beta Club and not, help me this week doing odd jobs and lifting heavy things (I'm not a real man by any stretch of the term--if I cant get an eighty pound sweater-knitting eleven-year-old to carry in the groceries, you'll find me on the couch drinking a beer and telling her to "Get a move on! The rest of my six pack's gonna get warm!). They laugh my stupid, terrible, un-funny jokes, and asked me what reading selections they can get a head start on.

--Dude! The janitors actually let me walk up, take a hand-truck, and use it on my own terms, when I wanted to. AND they empty my trash each evening. AND they cleaned my white board.

--You know how some strange folks don't have to drive on the Atlanta metropolitan expressways to get to work? I just became one of 'em! Takes me 20 minutes with traffic to get to school. Again, if you know me, that's a change from 40 minutes without traffic.

Negatives?

--my log-in/password information doesn't work yet...overall, the technology coordination in my new county is about four years behind my old one. They haven't figure out how to distribute even twenty lap-tops to the teachers at the school, email and gradebook programs aren't up and running for many teachers, and the internet filtering policy actually blocks me from accessing my Yahoo and Hotmail email (along various and sundry university sites on Whitman, Poe, Plath, and Salinger). Those of you who are teachers here or elsewhere can, I'm sure, sympathize.

Regardless, teaching is what you make of it, much like the rest of life. So, rather than get caught up with all the green grass on my new side, I'm going to focus on stepping up my game, working harder, thinking more, and trying to kick more English ass than ever before.

"May" be some issues? "MAY?!"

2005-07-29T16:22:00.000-11:00

WTF?

He's dead, Jim!

2005-07-22T09:36:00.000-11:00

Looks she couldn't handle any more, Captain.

R.I.P. Mr. Scott....

R.I.P.

Enjoy the 76 Venusian virgins the Intergalactic Islamo-Klingons promised you. We'll miss you back here on the Enterprise.

Why wangs?

2005-07-22T09:35:00.000-11:00

Why are guys such wangs to each other? Even when we're having fun, being all heterosexually buddy-buddy with each other--why do we torture each other?

Just watch Jack-Ass, Wildboyz, or the interactions of any pair/trie/quad of males ranging from ages 2-60 (beyond 60, most men die twisted, lonely, and disillusioned, stripped of hope, vision, control of bowels, and desire to make nooky because their counterpart females did all that twisting and stripping of their spirits--that and their counterpart females' genitals are just about as horrifying as their own), and you'll see that the best of friends and worst of enemies pummel, strike, mock, insult, and scare the crap of each other.

Don't get me wrong--I wouldn't have it any other way. But Grug start to think about what Grug does and Grug now curious. Why Grug not nice to Slag and Bok-tuk?

This is the stuff of a real sociological study.

...sound of crickets chirping?

...sound of my wang wizzing in your mouth is more like it.

Your turn!

2005-07-09T10:48:00.000-11:00

Cynthia Odierna, of Naples, Florida, thought it would be a wicked-awesome to copy, paste, and subtly modify a form letter from the moveon.org website--and then send it in to the Naples Daily News as her own thoughts.

Take a look at her website and, if you like, send her a friendly email, using your own words, letting her know what you think of her plagiarism.

Hey, hey!

2005-07-07T22:14:00.000-11:00

Now, why don't he write?

2005-07-02T10:21:00.000-11:00

So, apparently Chris misses me. :)

A few others do, as well, seeing as how I've recieved several emails saying, "Hey! Write some more!"

I'm flattered.

Update: It's summer. I'm playing video games, teaching drum major academies, watching new movies, traveling, and playing poker. I got my rogue to level 60 in World of Warcraft (after 7 months). I'm living on a diet of Pop-Tarts and Coke, Chex-mix and Sprite, and pizza and beer. I turned 27 in June. Looking forward to teaching in my new digs. Trying to get my damned grass to turn green. Warding off the frickin' Mongol invasion that continually "shops" in my neighborhood (but is actually casing rich-folks' houses).

I'll be busy traveling or teaching for the next two and a half weeks.

Some things:

--Hey, W! Do us all a favor and get a judge who believes in private property.

--Terry Schiavo is still dead. No amount of bickering or fighting will bring her back or gain you any dignity.

--Tom Cruise can eat shit and die, for all I care. Get him out of the news--although, the Tom vs Oprah "Sith" clip is funny as hell.

--Let the EU sign the Kyoto Treaty and United Nations World Court agreements...they can screw themselves over all they want.

--If we could go back to profiling and screening, we might succeed in allowing Pakistanis, Saudis, Afghans, Iraqis, Iranians, and Syrians who work hard and want American educations past our borders to help us eventually become a stronger country. If we really had any sense, we'd do a sort of corporate draft and trade our scrubs to Mexico and Africa.

--Rittalin is still a worthy drug overprescribed by retarded doctors and demanded by stupid alcoholic mothers.

--Hillary isn't a Conservative. Sometimes, I question whether Bush is, too.

--Sharks are bad, mm'kay?

--Where are the astro-environmentalists screaming about the rape of the stellar universe by NASA scientists blowing up primordial comets?

--Hannity doesn't actally listen to his callers. He just rehashes he talking notes from the beginning of the segment. And the next time I hear, "You're a great American!" I'm going to slaughter a kitten.

--I'll post on my blog whenever the hell I want.

--R.I.P., Luther. R.I.P.

--(gasp!) Iran's leader was a terroristic kidnapper? Say it ain't so!

Done. Come back soon, ya'all.

Hell Yeah...

2005-06-10T17:44:00.000-11:00

[Image Removed]

...

Sorry...the size of the pic was messing up the format of my blog and I got tired of it--and I'm too lazy to resize the image properly.

Just google "iron my shirt bitch" and you should be just fine.

...

Sorry 'bout the attitude today, but I just got done watching some uber-dyke on C-Span shrieking about how tampons are the ultimate symbol of the colonialistic and paternal domination of women.

We all know it's true...

2005-06-10T17:37:00.000-11:00

This really is the life of a man...

No longer...

2005-06-06T21:02:00.000-11:00

...can we leer toward folks and ask confidentially:

"Hey...ya ever had cancer? Ya ever had cancer--on weeeeed?"

For a serious and seriously pissed off diatribe, dealing more with the federalist vs. states' rights issue than the cannabis issue, see Uncle Brian.

The 2nd Smartest Species on the Planet...

2005-06-06T21:00:00.000-11:00

Two things here:

1. We are not 1st on the list of Smartest Species. We are, in fact, 3rd.

2. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

We have a new King!

2005-06-02T21:13:00.000-11:00

That's right. America has a new spelling-bee king.

Anurag Kashyap's victory, I'm sure, is sweet. He apparently prepared for the competition by eating raw eggs and practice-spelling his own name.

Grats, 'Raggie.

I wet myself

2005-06-01T19:48:00.000-11:00

I totally did. Since peeing your pants is the coolest, call me Miles Davis.

Go look at this and give your Dungarees a nice big urine stain.

Stop...

2005-05-31T09:18:00.000-11:00

...using "impact" as a verb. It's a noun!

...saying "on tomorrow." Adverbs can't be the objects of prepositions.

...using the word "irregardless." You sound retarded. Just say "regardless."

...using the word "utilize." Just say "use," you inaccurate, snobby-sounding sod.

...Criticizing people's grammar and usage on a personal level in public. This is okay, because it's not aimed at any one person in particular. If you do any of these, you can remain anonymous and thank me for enlightening you later.

My comments here are directed at folks trying to sound smart and educated, who end up saying stupid things and sounding like idiots and making us all embarrassed for you.

Finally...even though I love the structure and form of the English language, I must remind anyone who will listen to or read my words:

English is a context-based--not rule-based--language. Consider your audience. If you're speaking to some ghetto-superstars, speaking DanRathernese won't be very communicative. On the other hand, if you're going to write a letter to the editor or a senator, get out a frickin' dictionary and grammar book! There's also a difference between formal and informal, standard and non-standard, and colloquial and scholarly English.

Good reading on the subject: Strunk and White's Elements of Style and Lynn Truss's Eats Shoots and Leaves.

Hey, Baby...want a date?

2005-05-31T09:05:00.000-11:00

See me after school for detention.

Yeah, I think the headline sounds reaaaally bad: "School Hires Former Hooker to Teach Home Ec." But when you read the article, you have one more reason to shake your head at Republicans and say, "Damn, guys..."

The bill proposed was fair. It's balanced, objective, and runs more closely along true Christian-conservative values than Oregon's Republican-run House.

Even the Bible shows how current and former prostitutes can be of positive and social value. It doesn't excuse their action, it just shows that God can see them for the good they can do, despite immorality. What's more, every time a prostitute in the Bible does right, she ends up changing her ways for good. This is all good if you believe in the Bible.

This isn't the same situation as a former pedophile wanting to teach kindergarten. That's not the crime a prostitute commits. She doesn't coerce, force, rape, or injure (unless you pay extra and sign a waiver). She trades her body to horny, lonely, lost men for money.

Most important part of the article in question:

The bill, sponsored by Sen. Margaret Carter, (D-Portland, would have allowed a school district to employ a woman convicted of prostitution if at least seven years had passed since the conviction, and if she has not been convicted of any other crime in the interim.

It would not have given a blanket okay to all teacher applicants with a prostitution conviction on their record, but instead would have allowed members of the Oregon Teacher Standards and Practices Commission to evaluate each application on a case-by-case basis — the current practice in California, Washington, Nevada and Idaho.

"Many of these women go to school and turn their lives around," Carter said. "They get a job and then one day someone comes and taps them on the shoulder and says, 'We found out you were involved in prostitution, and we've got to let you go from your job.' This is a misdemeanor crime, and yet we don't want to forgive these women and let them live lives of economic stability."

Wow...balanced reasoning based not in sophism, but in actual compassion and logic. From a democrat. Whodathunkit?

Response indicative or the mealy-mouthed spineless Republican sort of the modern day:

"You don't get past the headline. You just don't get past it," said Dave Mowry, an aide to Rep. Linda Flores, (R-Clackamas).

I know, I know...liberals have you flinching at every shadow in much the same fashion as an abused dog when his master reaches to pet him. Years of screaming, shreiking, and lawsuits have you worried about the appearance and sound of what you do--which is the main thing liberals are worried about.

But dammit, man! It may sound bad, but it could be right. Get a spine and think for a change.

Then again, that does seem to be the dissapointing and recurring theme in the conservative Christian community throughout history--after all of the good we've done, we still have an urge to get that bucket of throwing-rocks and chuck it other people.

Dude...it's not like you're not endorsing prostitution with this law. You're endorsing not being a prostitute and joining one of the more prestigious vocations in America.

Edit: Brian, any comments on legalized, regulated whorehouses? :)

What Mom said was true!

2005-05-27T10:05:00.000-11:00

You will go blind if you keep doing that.

Domo Arigato!

2005-05-26T18:42:00.000-11:00

...or "Thanks a lot," Tomoyasu Hotei!

Check this guy out. Obviously a Japanese import and he's virtually sitting on the unloading docks at Musical Harbor, hidden amongst all the unclaimed goods.

Tarantino put him in the soundtrack for Kill Bill Vol. 1...check out this track from winamp.com.

If you're looking for the next Matrix-esque soundtrack (the first one was pretty damned good), this guy could very well be on it.

Sucks that I can't find his cd's or mp3's on any of the legit sites to buy from.

Motley Crue Bombs

2005-05-26T13:48:00.000-11:00

That's right. During a live performance on NBC, Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil dropped the Daisy Cutter of curse words, the "F-bomb."

I've used this word quite extensively in the past. Most of the time, if the me from now could go back in time and catch the me of then who was using that word, I'd pimp-slap that wuss and tell him to wash his mouth out. I'm not a curse word prude--I actually believe in the necessity of swearing. I am against, however, the overuse and misuse of curse words which, consequently, removes some of the extreme power and effect of these words.

NBC decided to ban the group from any further appearances on its network. Cool. I don't blame 'em.

Motley Crue decided to cut their nutsacks off and use some sort of scalpel-ice cream spoon combo to dig out some new vaginas for themselves. They're suing NBC.

WTF? They claim that NBC's act has cost them advertising and lost them revenue on ticket and album sales.

And now, for a quote:

The lawsuit accuses NBC of singling out the group, saying network officials stopped short of banning other artists who swore on-air, including U2 frontman Bono, who used the same expletive at last year's Golden Globe Awards.

"This is about fair and equal treatment. We have a right to be treated in the same way as other artists who have made the same mistake," bassist Nikki Sixx said in a statement.

Apparently, he's mad because Bono cussed on tv and didn't get banned.

A.) Bono's band (officially together since '78) has been around just as long as yours (officially together since '81). They still pretty much rock and are capable of something resembling music--pretty much the foil to your little ensemble.

B.) Bono most likely knows what the word f*ck means--you don't.

C.) A "right?" A RIGHT? Dammit, you crap for brains over-indulged heroine-addicted uneducated anus-licker! Not much gets me as mad as people claiming they have rights to crap they don't really have rights to! NBC is its own company. Freedom of speech, if that's what your stupid little suit is predicated on, means you're safe from the government restricting your speech. NBC is a private entity and it can kick off or keep whoever the H-E-double-hockey-sticks it wants! If they want to hand Bono $10,000,000 for saying f*ck on the air, that's their prerogative, fair or unfair. You don't have a right to crap on their network.

Now, let's hope that whatever judge hears the suit chews out Motley Crue, calls them out for the manginas they've shown themselves to be, and demand that they pay NBC's court costs.

Little bit country, little bit rock...

2005-05-26T08:48:00.000-11:00

Not that I watch the show or anything...

Okay, I confess. I watched the first several weeks of American Idol (the episodes where they weed out the horrendously untalented and mentally unstable nutcases), something I haven't done before. In the run of the show so far, I'd kept clear of knowing or caring about any of the singers, producers, or products they were pimping. I watched this one, however, up to the point that America started voting. I don't have a lot of faith in Americans' taste right now, so I stopped giving a crap when America got a say. However, I did see enough of Bo Bice, an Alabama small-town rocker, to notice that the show had something on its hands it hadn't dealt with before. A veteran performer, rough around the edges, singing something besides the easier Motown songs for white folks and Backstreet Boys cover songs.

Bo Bice won American Idol last night. I know, I know--Carrie Underwood got the votes and took first place, but Bo won.

In the music world, the two genres easiest to break into are country and rap. Christian music is extremely difficult to break into since the market is so small and the record producers exercise strict prejudice in who they choose to represent their morals-religious based label. But country and rap? Compared to pop, soundtrack scores, and rock, those two have the biggest base in American listeners.

Carrie Underwood could probably have made it in Nashville. What's not to like? She's undeniably cute and wholesome. She's republican enough, she's blonde enough, and her voice cracks just right on the tender notes. Good for her that American Idol guaranteed her a record deal.

Bo Bice, if you've seen his development on the show, doesn't need American Idol for a contract. He needed American Idol to focus him. When the show began, the guy was a dime-a-dozen small-town rocker, possessing outrageous talent and potential, but little faith in himself that he could kick the nation's ass. Stylists, vocalists, producers, experts, along with the many real rockers that spoke with and taught Bo--they all sharpened an already good blade.

I think the main thing the show's done for the guy is: a.) make his name known to America b.) provide a free training ground (with little risk) for him to hone large audience performance c.) most importantly, it's shown him he can have faith in himself.

I love this guy because the path of true old-school rockers is getting covered over with debris. If Lynyrd Skynyrd were looking for a new member and wanted to sell some new albums, Bice could actually help them do it--he looked like he belonged with them on the finale...in fact, it looked like he'd been with them since the beginning (except that he lacks wrinkles, saggy body parts, and his hair still has an appropriately lustrous sheen).

Good luck to him. The guy did his thing and never...ever...went the boy-band vocals route. Finally a guy who sings and sounds like a man. Thank God.

God gave rock n' roll to you, Bo Bice.

Fire away, Boys!

2005-05-25T22:23:00.000-11:00

So, let's get this straight...

We can hand out condoms at schools, along with sex-ed courses that teach students to use selected lubricants, contraceptives, and positions to ensure safe sex on the basis that, if we don't, they'll do it anyway and then it'll be without our superior guidance.

But, we can't teach school students how to properly load, aim, and discharge (no pun intended) a rifle in a calm, guided, and safe environment? Furthermore, we can't teach them to stay calm when missing the mark, to not point rifles at people, to not engage in horseplay, and to teach them the reality that you can maim, if not injure someone with a gun--that they are, in truth, not toys?

Well, folks, take a look around. Kids are going to play with their partner's gonad-goodies anyway. And they're going to play with guns anyway, too.

I say to you, Arizona schools: Good work! Lemme buy you a beer.

I say to you, Mary Rimsza: Check out the handgun statistics dealin in child death. This kind of school programming could very well lower an already small statistic.

Think about it, next time a kid gets hurt or killed handling a gun they know nothing about.

Might as well teach them, than leave them to learn on their own, right?

Break-in news!

2005-05-24T08:31:00.000-11:00

Oh, joy! I can't tell you how thoroughly I enjoy arriving at my place of business on a gorgeous Tuesday morning (Kirk Mellish says it's going to be a 10 on the Mellish Meter!) to find the place vandalized.

I teach in a high school in lovely Clayton County. Over the last ten years or so, as Fulton County has worked to "de-urbanize" and clean up its crap, Clayton County has slowly become "de-suburbanized," a.k.a. "ghetto." I won't say which school I teach at--except to say its name starts with a "J" and ends with an "-onesboro."

Five years ago, J_____onesboro High School was ranked in the top 100 high schools in America. Now, having your place vandalized shouldn't reflect poorly on the school, itself, so much as reflecting poorly on the candy-ass punks who'll end up pumping either gas or other guys' dongs in jail for the rest of their God-forsakenly retarded lives.

Nevertheless, this is one of the last straws and the camel's knees are pretty damned wobbly.

In the past, J_____onesboro administrations have assigned multiple night watches for each evening of the last week of school. No watch was set this year...at least, not for last night. Think the new guy the superintendent hand picked and brought in from Chi-town will get a clue?

C'mon, geniuses! It's last week of school! Seniors are going to try crap. They might try whip-cream filled balloons! Big deal...or they might take red spray paint and write such intelligent phrases as, "'05, biches(sic)!" or "'06 luvs(sic) *penis!" or "Gladden's *gay" (Gladden is apparently a student) alllllllll over the school--and I do mean "alllllllll." Add to that, the multiple gang signs and initials they included in their spray-painted artwork.

Then, they might break windows in the cafeteria, turn all the tables over, break a dozen chairs, spill the garbarge all over the floor, break the concrete patio tables in the courtyard, spill more trash, break more windows, and destroy the bushes and trees the horticulture class has tended at J_____onesboro High for the last 12 years.

They just might...Fun, huh?

Three days of school left--will we make it without a violent gang incident?

What are we doing or not doing that emboldens these sorts of malcontents? Are we spanking enough when they're children? Should we shoot them? How about the kneecaps? A generation of limping former ghetto-superstars and white trash would be a superb warning to anyone else that feels like screwing with public property.

Too violent and injurious? Okay, fine...I'm just spit-balling here. Use tazers on their tender parts for hours at a time, Chinese water torture, sulphuric acid eye drops, force-feed them sodium, manila envelope cuts on their nostrils, etc.

Your petty vandalism fuels my angry blog...

(sigh)

8:30 AM and it's already time for a beer...

*Isn't it telling that the only words these nut-lovers can spell correctly are "penis" and "gay?"

In the words of John Paul II...

2005-05-22T17:53:00.000-11:00

...upon viewing the Passion of the Christ,"it is as it was."

I saw Revenge of the Sith. I am pleased.

Too true...

2005-05-20T20:09:00.000-11:00

You really can find anything on the web.

Red Neck Ren Fest

2005-05-20T14:59:00.000-11:00

I went back in time (cue Huey Lewis Back In Time). Actuallynot so much, back in time, as I went back in times.

What can you say about the Georgia Renaissance Festival? Plenty! It's a plentiful experience! Plenty of food, plenty of swords, plenty of beer, plenty of geeks, plenty of nerds, plenty of crafts, plenty of boobs (in plentiful varieties).

Lest I get ahead of myself, I'll organize my thoughts.

The Place(s):
Each year, come May, the fantasy and science fiction nerds find their common ground about eleven miles north of Peachtree City, Georgia. Take 85 south, towards Alabama, and then get off at Exit 61. Turn right, take the next fork left, and the entrance is about a mile down the road on your right.

It's set back in the woods a fair piece and what you first see is a very non-Renaissance field/parking lot with very non-Renaissance appareled beer-bellied traffic guards. It's okay, because they speak with thick redneck accents and wear orange vests, so it doesn't test your ability to suspend disbelief.

Now for some advice: unless you have dressed up in Renaissance attire (not costume! Never costume!), or think that Americans with crappily affected British accents are cool, don't arrive at opening time (around 10:00 AM). They put on this show where they mix up a lot of British mythical/legendary/plain-made-up characters and ideas. They use inaccurate terminology, Robin of Locksley's tights had a hole in their crotch, they don't speak loudly enough for people to hear, and when you can understand what they're saying, they're simply making nerdy attempts at Elizabethan bawdiness (which, in its day, was cool and unfunny because it wasn't outrageously overt). I will take a moment to admit, however, that of all places in America, the southern twang is closest in resemblance to the British-standard accent. Moving on...

The front gates are pretty neat looking and I plan to put a set in front of my dream house someday--something with parapets and secret passages and balconies from which to toss boiling liquids on Jehovah's Witnesses.

From there, you have an interesting amoeba shaped area of shops that line the outer rim of the festival grounds, the inner area being dominated by kiosks, stages, and sitting areas (not quite enough of these).

Two locations of note:

The pirate ship that sells swords. Awesome. The pirate employees there are a little weird and a lot horny (they caught one of my friends accidentally stepping behind a counter too look more closely at a sword and before she knew it, they had her caught up in fuzzy handcuffs, hands held up by a rope slung over a pole up high, and she was being tickled by a cat o' nine tails) but they sell really cool swords. They have the normal fair of cheap Pakistani knock-offs, and the boss pirate will be up front in telling you which ones are which, but they also carry a variety of officially licensed movie and professional blades. Their main selection of swords tend to be pretty evil looking, which is cool, but they tend to begin repeating the same images, shapes, and patterns. I guess I'm just finicky about my swords.

The other place of note is the jousting-tournament grounds. Never stop there. Never watch. The acting is bad. The fake fighting is bad. The cheap swords they use to fake-fight poorly are bad (and bend easily). The princess they're fighting for is ugly. The only participants worthy of rooting for are the horses.

The Shows:

Top show at the Ren Fest, hands down, no competition--The Flying Zucchini Brothers Danger Theatre. Green and Ripe Zuchini are awesome and have been doing their juggling, whip-cracking, wise-cracking, PG-13 humor show for about 20 years now. They are always well-rehearsed, the humor is low and high brow (making both anus jokes and Joan of Arc jokes), and they're pretty good jugglers! What's more, they know how to work a crowd. The show is always a little different, performance to performance, based on stupid or funny things that either happen on stage or are said by audience members. Here's to another 20 years of zucchini entertainment (I figure the shows will get really hilarious when they're in their 60's!).

Birds of Prey Show is not scary at all. The birds are fed scraps of raw meat out of some old bald dude's hand. That's not dangerous or exciting! The old bald guy is nice and very well-informed about the birds. Great. Tell you what--you want people out there at your show? You want to be entertaining? Then make the bird handler a creepy, pale hunchback, Carni-type guy. One with a gimpy leg and a lisp. He should leer at old ladies and smell faintly of spoiled mayonnaise. He'll wear a loincloth and a bandana. He should missing one of his arms. The birds should be fed live rodents. The finale should involve a very life-like model of an infant made of flesh-colored ballistics gel and filled with red corn syrup being devoured by the birds in a frenzy of feathers, claws, beaks, and blood. That, or you could have the birds fight Hack and Slash (the lame-o "battle" actors who do a show I barely stayed awake for).

The Pirate Ship Sword Raffle and Auction isn't really a show, per say, but it is where all the old, wrinkled ladies with their bulbous, sagging boobies bounce up and down and make all the old men dressed like pirates or chaotic-neutral wizards horny. I mean, really, beyond your chance of winning a cool sword or having a free cat 'o nine tales thrown in your eye, the only reason to be there is to feed your disgusting curiosity about wizened boobies. In fact, the ladies there have such horrifying breasticular features, it makes me wretch just thinking about them. I think I'll describe them, too. I know. You can thank me later for going through such pains for your blogging enjoyment. They aren't boobies, so much as over-tanned sacks of raisined flesh, emptied of their mammary material--deflated, in fact. They don't so much bounce or even sag, so much as sort of droop and flap in the wind like sad little banners of a once great nation...I love imagery.

The Glass Artisan...man, I keep forgetting to get this guy's name. I looked for a link or reference on the Ren Fest website and can't find him. I love him! He's fat, drinks beer while handling one pound globs of molten glass--glowing a very manly shade of bright orange--he doesn't laugh at his own jokes, has Popeye-like forearms, looks like Jerry Garcia, and uses a glass-melting machine with a part called "the glory hole." Awesome. He's very scientific, very dry, very informed, and very non-boring. He tells me about the different elements and compounds he uses, how hot stuff has to be, how cold it has to be, and he doesn't bore me with the other crap--he knows that all I care about is what kind of crap can go down if you touch the hot glass, if you get to close to the glory hole, or if you grab the wrong end of the glass-blowing pipe. Oh, yeah, and he doesn't like the AJC, either. See him at least twice in one day, if you go to Ren Fest. He makes different stuff each time.

The Souvenirs:

Let's talk food. Buy a turkey leg once. It's good for the first 8 bites. Then, the fat starts to cool and coagulate back into a non-edible and unappetizing form. The steak sandwich is mediocre and definitely not worth the $5.50 they charge (though, none of the food they sell is worth the money you pay). I've had the chocolate covered banana (on a stick) it is tasty and satisfying, as long as you're alright with people being confused whether or not they should make fun of you for the phallic nature of the act you're going through in eating a banana or the fecal appearance you provide in eating what looks like a stick of dookie. Funnel cakes are never a good idea, unless you're sharing and can eat the whole thing before it reaches room temperature and turns grossly soggy. Fried pickles are for those who like Chic-fil-a hot browns and deviled eggs--and again, you are dealing with a phallic-food.

The Ren Fest will bank-rape you no matter what beverage you purchase. I will let you know, though, that the Bass Ale I purchased last weekend was not crisp and refreshing. The last time I bought a Killian's there, it was cold and actually had light, slightly hopped flavor...perhaps it was my imagination, but I enjoyed being impressed with the Ren Fest being able to get an inexpensive beer like Killian's to taste like it's supposed to (half-way decent and drinkable).

Buy a sword. Never purchase cheap Pakistani knock-offs. Look for licensed items from the following makers/artists: United Cutlery, Marto, and Kit Rae. Don't settle for paying $35 on a cheap, piece of crap sword when you buy a very nice, well-built piece of art sword for $120. I know, it's four times the price, but you're getting ten times the sword (and a little self-respect).

Buy a staff from the walking-stick shoppe (notice the British-esque spelling...oooooo!) right next to the rock-climbing wall. They range between $20 and $200. The lower end get you very nice, smoothly worked walking sticks that are entirely usable. The upper end are art. If you plan on using them, however, replace the leather thong you wrap around your wrist with stronger leather and a tighter knot.

Pewter figurines and dress-up photos where you put on the Ren Fest's costumes and get a fake-grainy photo mark you as irrecoverably lame. Even the kissing wenches won't lay a herpes-laden lip on ya'. That is, of course, unless you're buying the pewter figurine to represent the über arch-mage troll bushido warrior character you just rolled last night. That's okay, I suppose...nerd.

Painted fantasy artwork is your call, obviously, but if you don't want to deal with people making rude comments about the illustration of the innocent and beautifully androgynous naked fairy-child you have hanging over your mantle, I'd suggest moving on and settling for a respectable Ansel Adams print.

I don't like the smell of roses and if it's made of metal, it should either be sharp and dangerous, or be mechanical/useful (i.e. guns, for shooting; forks, for eating; toaster, for toasting), so I'm not interested in the steel roses.

The "What I'd like to see or do at the Ren Fest that they don't have" Section:

Boy--where do I begin?

Really good looking wenches.

Edged weapons and real hitting at the jousting tournaments.

Fire eaters and the people who let snakes crawl up their nostril and out of their mouths.

Ren Fest opening at night. This is combined with a conclave of hooded druids performing strange, and implicatively sexual things to aforementioned good looking wenches.

David Blaine doing medieval magic.

Slaughter the turkeys (for the turkey legs) in the open areas for all to see and wonder.

Two words: fencing lessons

and, the obligatory wish to be able to play paintball at the Ren Fest, at night, with 50 of my best friends (wouldn't it be cool if...?)

The End:

Well, I worked on and off for about a week on this. Next time, I'll take notes for accuracy (or at least for the sake of the illusion of accuracy).

I would like to say at least one non-disparaging thing about the Ren Fest, its participants, and its patrons:

They wholeheartedly love their craft, the culture, the history, and the art of the old European ways (however Americanized and Hollywoodized their idea of European ways may be). They act and speak unabashedly and enjoy each other's company. They mean well, work hard, and entertain every year. I mean, c'mon...it's not like the only reason I go every year is just to make fun of them. Bite the hand that feeds me?

Danged straight...

Nahhhh, I'm a Ren Fest geek, I just wear my crystal charm, my sword of darkness, and my 20-sided die on the inside.

Peace out, ye merry gentles.

That's me!

2005-05-18T05:55:00.000-11:00

Yep. He's talking about me.

I could explain my vacation from the Clayton County Schools with my regular amount of eloquence, balance, candor, and sensitivity--but since I like to list things so much, I'll do that.

1. Low morale: and no one cares.

2. My administration: doesn't communicate often at all and, when they do, it's at the last minute and they become terribly irrate that you didn't attend this morning's faculty meeting that was announced yesterday, in email, at 4:15. Oh, and you should still be able to manage your classroom and get those juniors to pass the EOTC, even when we spring a class meeting on you without prior notice.

3. Poor discipline: The crap we're doing as punishment doesn't work because the kids don't care. "Oooo...ISS! I get to hang out with my friends, and I get to use the school as my clubhouse! Oooo...OSS! I get to stay home, sleep in, watch some television, and smoke some weed! Oooo...detention! I don't give a crap. I'm not coming to that, just so you'll give me ISS/OSS." Kick the asshat out of school if he skips class, fights in school, does drugs at school, steals, threatens, etc. Put a bill in to the state legislature that requires kids under 18 to either be in school, be at a certifiable job, or we place them in a government work camp for 6 months where you pick up trash, clean public toilets, and/or be target practice for the cops...you know some valuable position. You get paid. You do a job. You refuse or make problems, you break rocks at a quarry under the watchful eye of shotgun-bearing guards.

4. Mealy-mouthed, prideful, bureaucratic, buck-passing, responsibility-dodging, finger-pointing, press-releasing, corrupt, and clueless county school officials. There really are some sensible people who know what needs to be done in this county, but most of them are either powerless to put some bite to the right decisions or don't want that power. All you get are politicians who memorized the catch-phrase-key-word jargon of education that like to think up "policy" and swell with pride when they spend tax-payer money on a billion laptops for teachers and then equate that with student acheivement, or retain 86% of their teachers and say that "we're looking better" (average national attrition rate is on the order of 9%, so we may be "looking better," compared to when CCPS was under SACS scrutiny, but we are definitely not "looking good").

5. Parental support and involvement is growing, which is a good thing. Nevertheless, it's a misplaced support and involvement. The best thing a parent can do is not wait for their government school to form his kid into a thinking, reading, ethical person. Get involved with your kid, for Pete's sake. You only make a difference when involved with the school when you've already made a difference in your own kid's life. Appealing to the schools (i.e. the government) to fix the kids is wrong thinking. Sadly, many Clayton County parents are expending their noble energies in looking for--nay, demanding--that the school system fix the problems with the community.

The grass is always greener on the other side, true. But, at least the grass is growing on the side I'm headed to.

Believe me, if private schools could pay as much and provide the benefits the goverment provides, I'd be out of here in a second. So, when you read my post here and disagree and hate me...stop and think...then pity me for being such a whore to the government.

Oooo...I could just make it positive and say I'm a "private school teacher, infiltrating the public system, engaged in espionage--I spread common sense, high expectations, and demand hard work, despite the efforts of a babying, inconsequential, and meaningless government system."

Riiiiiiiight...

...a catapult?

2005-05-18T05:03:00.000-11:00

Yes...a catapult.

Block that judge! Block that judge!

2005-05-18T04:11:00.000-11:00

I'm not in love with Republicans.

Which is not to say that I don't love my parents, sister, brother in law, and wife. They are people I love who happen to be Republicans. I used to be a Republican and I love myself (and hate myself, too, but that's for another blog posting).

I definitely do not love Democrats. The moral, political, social, racial, and cultural superiority they loftily weild about their heads like a four-year old with a tire iron makes me despise and pity them. They were once, like the Republicans, a party with principles, standards, and a vision. Now, they just want power. Pure and simple, they want the power back in their hands, the way it's been for the last 50 or so years.

That's the problem with power. You get a taste and you're hooked. If you suck on the pacifier of government-backed power for 50 years, you become spoiled and get a horrendous overbite.

I'm under no illusion that I'm some sort of political pundit. Hell--I'm not even a Sudspundit. But I do have a crystalized opinion on the debacle going on in the Senate at the moment.

Spare me a moment, I'll try to keep it short:

The Media has done a splendid job of promoting the liberal title of Senate filibuster rule change--the Nuclear Option. Sorry. It's not even the Constitutional Option. The filibuster itself is the Nuclear Option. In changing rules on filibustering, you're more like, defusing the nuke.

See, filibustering stops debate in the Senate--no one gets to speak except for the stalling senator (with the exception of any other senator he wishes to yeild the floor to; most likely, a senator who will spell him for a break on the filibuster). It's the filibuster itself that shuts down the Senate. By shut down, I mean bring an already inefficient and slightly corrupt comittee of 100 people to a grinding halt.

We've missed a third of a highway maintenance season in this year--no highway bill has been passed in a looooong time, and the one that's just been submitted gives Georgians $33 per person to spend on highway upkeep and gives $300 to each Alaskan to pay for one bridge to an island where 50 people live. That would be a worthy debate for our Senate to be dealing with at the moment. Why haven't they gotten it done? Oh yeah...the Senate minority has the place locked up with folks filibustering.

Now...I'm not against filibustering. It's part of the early designs for the way the Senate should work sometimes. For quite a while, because filibustering is such an extreme tactic, the parties have simply threatened to filibuster. It really does fit the description of the Nuclear Option, since it's a very powerful tactic that should really only be used in extreme situations. Some have said that breaking this filibuster would close down debate on the president's judicial nominees. Wow. That sounds terrible. Judicial nominees are important and should be scrutinized carefully. What kind of facsist, overbearing, powerhungry group would want to shut down debate?

The kind that would like to simply have a vote on them. Most of the president's nominees have been up for debate for 5 years now. The standard time of debate held over a presidential appointment has been 2-4 months. In order to finally take a vote and get them in our toss them out, you have to close down debate. Stop talking, start walking.

Why don't the Republicans change the rules for shutting down filibustering (it takes 60/100 senators to stop a filibuster; it takes 51/100 senators to change Senate rules [i.e. rules over filibustering]; the Republicans actually have the numbers to change the rules so that it only takes 51/100 to stop a filibuster)? Probably because of 2 things: a.) the Republicans are spineless b.) the Republicans know that it's easy to bully about when you have your guy in the Oval Office and a strong majority in both Houses. The filibuster has been the Ace in the hole for the Senate minority, so they don't get bullied around. If the Republicans take away that strong weapon from the Dems, they know they won't have it when they are someday the minority again.

Ironically, if the situation were switched, do you think for one moment that the Democrats would hesitate to change the rules if Clinton's nominees were being filibustered (never happened until this era of American politics). Resounding no? Exactly...and the Media's support campaign would make it easier than getting laid by 19 year old Republican interns because you're wearing CIA credentials.

There are a variety of Senate loopholes and tricks useful for holding up judicial nominees--the Dems used them all up--and because they hate the president so much, because they're little piggy babies, spoiled with the power they once deemed their political birthright, they pressed the big red nuclear filibuster button and drug both parties into a crappy, crappy situation.

Don't worry, Dems. If the Democrats hadn't done, the Republicans likely would have some day.

Nevertheless, the hoops have been jumped through by both sides, the nominees have been patient, the president persistent. Stop or bust the filibuster. Let the Senate get back to work and give the nominees an up or down vote (the nominees are being disenfranchised!).

The spots must be filled, and for such a polarizing split between our political parties, George Bush is pretty balanced--more balanced than either side can expect in the next election. He's probably the best bet, at the moment, for a selector of future judges.

Okay, so not so short. I lied. You know where liars go, right?

...the Senate.

Smokey and the Government Bandits

2005-05-13T04:05:00.000-11:00

If you smoke, you are either horrendously retarded, or you hate yourself (we all do, in some way, at some point). The only reasons one can give for smoking--that aren't "I'm b.s.-ing myself"--are that a.) you like the taste of the smoke b.) you like the nicotine buzz it gives and the illusion of energy and pep it provides or c.) you think you look cool doing it.

None of these are sound reasons to smoke. There is no excuse for smoking in this day and age, especially in light of the wealth of health data showing the risks and guarantees of smoking.

Now, before I continue chiding you, two points: By "smoking," I mean habitual smoking; continuous smoking; on a regular basis smoking. I'm not necessarily referring to the 2 cigarettes you have once or twice a month when you go to the bar with your friends, or the pack you smoke during finals week at Tech and then you throw the rest of it away when exams are done. That's not really good for you, but the prolonged exposure and constant coating of your mouth, esophagus, and lungs are what will really do damage. This disclaimer is mostly here because I've smoked several cigarettes in my life. I've smoked several cigars. And with the exception of most of those cigarettes and only one or two of those cigars, I enjoyed them--I plan to enjoy several more cigars before I die. I'm not trying to be all high and mighty--I'm trying to be all ranty and smack-talking, mostly for effect.

The other point is that, while I say you're either stupid or a self-hater for smoking, I don't want to stand in your way, either. I tend to argue for people's freedom to exercise their Darwinian muscles. You want to smoke? Go right ahead and kill yourself with that cool looking cancer stick.

What am I supposed to be ranting about in this article? Thought you'd never ask!

1. Georgia has enacted a public smoking ban, effective come this summer. Great! I think it'd be just dandy to be in a public place and not have to deal with second hand smoke. Anything bad about this? The law actually bans smoking in some private establishments and has wording that opens the law to future expansion. As of now, bars and certain restaraunts can still let their patrons smoke. Tell you what, Georgia Government--since the Post Office, the high school, the crosswalk, and the city park are public, I wholeheartedly agree that you can decide to ban smoking there. That's your job--to act as custodian of public services, assets, and property. But when my buddy and I buy the land and build my beer and potato restaraunt, we pay the employee salary, we purchase the food, and we take all the risks, I think we are the custodians of that establishment--not you. It's our property, not yours, and not anyone else's. What's more, non-smokers don't have to come in to our restraunt. If they're bothered by smoke, they can choose to go elsewhere. Sucks to your asmar, Piggy!

2. The State Health Insurance program now charges $40 more if you're a smoker. GOOD! You, smoker, are freely choosing to engage in unhealthy activity. Smokers cost more to medically treat because their lungs tend to get coated in tar! Cancer of all types. Emphysema. Blood pressure problems. Metabolism problems. Dental problems. These and more are the problems you invite when you smoke. If you're going to cost more to treat (and therefore, cover), you should pay more. Health insurance ain't free, even though you barely pay anything for it; the money comes from someone. That someone is the health insurance company! What's different about State Health? The word "state." That means the taxpayers of Georiga help foor the majority of the bill. If my money is being used to treat you, a government employee, when you're sick, I want it to be legitimate, not self-inflicted. You shoot yourself in the leg, poke your own eye out, swell your mouth shut with Preparation H, or get cancer from putting the cigarette in your mouth--that's all you, Baby. I shouldn't have to spend a dime.

Oh, and if you think you'll get me on that "Well then you should charge fat people more, too! They're unhealthy! Nyeh! Nyeh! Don't you feel mean, and stupid, and evil?"

Hmmm...all the time, sometimes, and only when I grade AP exams.

Fine. Charge fat people more. They are unhealthy.

What you fail to understand is that no one has a right to health insurance. If you can afford it and a company is willing to look at your habits and health and agree to cover you, great. If not, it's their money! They can turn you down (and should) if they want to! You only have the right to the opportunity (just like that whole right to pursue freedom and happiness--it's not a guarantee to happiness! It's a guarantee to the freedom to look for it!).

So fat people, smokers, sky-divers, bunjee jumpers, and Jackie Chan stuntcrew, good luck finding health insurance. Remember, you have the choice to modify your lifestyle. The health insurance companies have the right to turn your ass down if you'd break their business with your likely sickness and death.

If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck...

2005-05-11T07:14:00.000-11:00

...it's probably a whore.

Sorry, kid (and mom). You go to a Catholic school. Like, you're the classic perv's sexual fantasy. There's a good chance you're a tease. You might not be...

...but you have mono--specifically, Epstein-Barr Virus--which the CDC states "requires intimate contact with the saliva (found in the mouth) of an infected person." What are most people going to think? Sure they might be wrong...but, dang...they might be right.

Okay. Maybe you're not a slut or a floozy. Maybe you're like millions of normal teens out there who make out like crazy (making out is kinda awesome). You can EBV like that. A friend of mine kissed an Albanian guy at a local bar one night (she was a little too tipsy to tell he was saying "Albania," rather than "Albany") and got mono. It happens.

Nevertheless...I'd be pissed if my teachers were making commentary to my classmates on what I have and how I got it.

Good luck with that.

Woot...a rant!

2005-05-10T08:50:00.000-11:00

Garrison Keillor, you should stay out of the social commentary and go back to what got you your respect and love in the first place--telling stories, anecdotes, etc. Write short stories and poems. Talk about stuff you love. But for Pete's sake, Garry, do you realize you sound like a feaking idiot?

Me? I'm always an idiot. But ranting is what I do. It's what I'm semi-okay at. You? You suck. You sound bitter and annoyed. I just sound crazy. You sound sad.

Now, I can only handle about 20 minutes of Sean Hannity before I wretch from all the "great American!" calls and the repetition of "Let Freedom Ring." Geez...Boortz wears on me after 45 minutes. But, at least these guys have the cojones to say, "Air America? Go ahead! Try it out! Make my day. If you can survive, you earned it. Freedom to say what you want means freedom to say what I want. Bring it."

In your article in The Nation, you essentially say that you go to church on Sunday in order to be around others who share your views, but when listening to the radio, you want to hear quirkiness, oddity, crankiness, vulgarity, and most importantly, opposing view point--and then you go on to call conservative radio hosts "evil, lying, cynical bastards." Anyone who knows how to cuss knows that adding three adjectives to the word "bastard" is the mark of someone who's got hurt feelings. Try it out.

Damned, dirty, stupid bastard!
Sadistic, lazy, washed up bastard!
Mean, rude, nasty bastard!

See?

What's worse is that by saying you enjoy dissent and disagreement and counterpoint, and then bashing conservatives for who they are represented by on the radio, you end up being self-contradictory and hypocritical.

"I like hearing challenging things...except for stuff that pisses me off. That's a kind of challenge I don't like. See...all these things that are offensive or essentially meaningless I listed--the old preachers, the vaudeville, etc (which makes me sound like I know a lot and I'm just an old down-home, harmless feller)--are cool to me because my liberal friends think I'm neat because I'm so sensitive and "diverse." It makes me feel good about myself. I can respond to those things with empty, blank phrases that don't make anyone angry (just like they taught me in prose fiction class!)--I can't respond to Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity or Neal Boortz [not necessarily conservative] or Mike Savage because they actually get under my skin and even pepper their rants with facts every now and then. That's too challenging to me."

Dude...you're so totally out of it that you think you can name drop Eminem in the group of "bands I've never heard of" on the low-end FM band and sound cool. Anyone who actually works at a college radio station or even listens to one want to chime in here?

The main reason Air America tanked, is tanking, and will continue to tank, is that modern liberalism is indefensible in an open forum. Too many facts get in the way of the feelings. Liberls of the older and rarer caliber have either died, transformed into embittered ghouls like you, or written books like A National Party No More. Hire someone with some sense--someone who grew out of their blanky at two years old--and you've have a Democrat or liberal with some real, loyal satisfied, and informed readership/listenership (hello, Orson Scott Card?).

You're tired, old man.

Dance with the one who brung ya. Stick to the quaint anecdotes and harmless stories. I really like 'em and they make me feel like you're a down-home, harmless feller I can be friends with. Here...I'll even help you sell some books...but remember: I'm not telling you that you can't or should be kept from speaking out on topics like this; I'm just reminding you it's not your strong suit.

3 Recommendations

2005-05-10T07:29:00.000-11:00

As my AP English students have completed their exam and are now hanging out at this depot for people-waiting-for-something-important-to-happen, I gave them the opportunity to vote on a book to read in the remaining two weeks of school they have. Each of my three periods chose a different book.

The elements they had to choose their book by were:

1. Is the book fun or enjoyable to read? It's post exam, no one, including me, wants a crappy, boring, literary book of which the reading thereof is the equivalent of having to "eat your vegetables." Reading something like The Scarlet Letter now would be like cleaning your room in the summer.

2. Is the book (mostly) appropriate? Sorry. I do have a job to keep so I can pay bills. But a shit or ass or bastard every now and then is okay...and even preferable. You know it--don't lie. It's fun to cuss in school.

3. Is the book worth a crap? The book actually has to matter. It can't just be some stupid, meaningless drivel. I believe that, to some people, reading Alice Walker meets the criteria of one through three. But, not all people feel that way. So, will the book be interesting, halfway intelligent, and mean anything? This is a personal decision and is a close relative of standard one.

The books chosen, which having read them myself (and thoroughly enjoyed for sundry reasons, varying by book), I now recommend to you:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

Worthwhile. Definitely. See my review on 4/23/05. Also, I recommend the movie. Very faithful, with some of the most spot-on casting decisions I've ever seen.

The Princess Bride, by William Goldman

You've more likely seen the movie, which stars the acting laureate, the late Andre the Giant. The book is drier, and in my view, funnier than the movie. Nevertheless, the movie has the best nonviolent swordfight in movie history and stars Carey Ewles in the only non-annoying role I've ever seen him play.

Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card

I can't say enough good things about this book. I'm so glad my students chose this book on their own, since Card himself expresses apprehension (and sometimes disapproval) at teachers' assigning his book to students. Science fiction that focuses on character and relationships, but relies on science. Ender is one of the most compelling characters I've ever read, which explains the voracious legions of the Ender Series readers in America today. It's the only trick ending to a book I've read that isn't a trick, isn't cheap, is totally warranted, and is one of the few, plausible, and necessary ways the book could have ended. Card is a clear writer (no literary "style" mumbo-jumbo...no "style" is good style) with a gift for down to Earth, believable dialogue.

If I had the freedom at the end of every school year to just read out loud and talk about whatever these books elicit, I'd be one step closer to happiness. Then, I'd just need a beer shower, self-cleaning underwear, and the Moses-like ability to part large bodies of water and I'd be set.

Girls Are Evil, Part Dos

2005-05-09T06:00:00.000-11:00

Girls are Evil, Part One

2005-05-09T05:48:00.000-11:00

They start *young.

They write books about it...

...and, like Masons, they have their ring.

*Link requires registration.

I'm SUPER!

2005-05-09T05:23:00.000-11:00

...thanks for asking.

Alrighty--time to have the Gay Talk. Everyone's got to have their take (or give) on the sexuality issue. Let's keep in mind that, like buttholes, everyone's got opinions...and yours stinks.

So, then, here's the quick version of my general view on gays:

1. I'm a Christian and my Bible and God instruct me that homosexual activity is a sin. I'll buy that. Both sources also tell me I've got sin. I totallybuy that.

2. I'm a Christian and my Bible and God instruct me to love my neighbor--and to forgive them their sins--what's more, I'm instructed to show the world that Christians (and therefore, Christ) are good for something. I won't be showing that by hating, beating, hurting, or overall, being unkind and unfair to homosexual people.

3. I'm one who believes that homosexuals are born that way--I know, a view that puts me in the minority of Christians. The opposing view claims that I fault God for sabotaging a person with homosexual desires--a sick, mean, and unfair God to be sure. I contend, however, that I, a heterosexual, was born with my own sin problems (the Bible tells us we are all sinners...born that way) and no one claims God was sick and unfair when He did that to me. No...God lets everyone have their issues and sins to deal with.

4. I find homosexual intercourse disgusting, so when I talk and speak with my homosexual friends and acquiantances, I try not think about what they do with their penises or vaginas. Hmmmm...come to think of it, I try not to think about what my straight friends do with their penises and vaginas, too. Maybe because it's not my business what they do with their genitalia unless they either try to tell me all about it or they try to put them in or on me...

5. If I want any gay person to love God, believe in Him, worship Him, and go to Heaven, I'm sure as heck more likely to help them by being patient, helpful, and uncondemning of them. More flys with honey and all that.

*Which brings me to the new FDA sperm donor case. The claim is a worry over the likelyhood of gay donors to be HIV positive since they may or may not have had gay sex in the last 5 years. You can't argue the fact that there are distinctly more gay HIV positive people than straight. Reasons? Look all that up on the web. Just a fact.

Nevertheless, each and every sperm donation can be tested on site for HIV. If it's positive, toss it out. Wash, rinse, repeat. This can be done. It's not prohibitively expensive. It's simple.

So, why the ban? I think someone out there in the FDA is worried about "gay DNA" being disseminated (haha). Again, if you believe that homosexuals are, for the most part, born and not made, then it's got to be somewhere in the DNA. Stop spreading that DNA and you lower the number of homosexuals in future generations. The fact that lesbians prefer to use gay sperm probably infuriates the beejeezus out of the FDA.

I know...some folks out there might think, "Hey! If we can cull the gay DNA out of the herd, then there are fewer sinning homosexuals...we're actually doing something good!" Wrong. The Bible tells us to love our neighbor and forgive his sins, just as ours are forgiven--we are not told to try to bio-engineer sin out of the world. That would be Jesus' job and He took care of it about 2,000 years ago. At least, that's what many Christians say they believe...

*Dude...I'm an English teacher talking about DNA. If any of my science teacher/PhD-in-nueroscience associates wish to add to/instruct/clarify your take on the issue, please jump in...web sites would be great.

Finger-lickin' Fraud

2005-05-06T12:39:00.000-11:00

I'm sorry, but Clarence Stowers is a total choad and, in my world, gets the ever-loving crap beaten out of him. We re-circumcise him, put it in some vanilla custard, force-feed it to him until he's found the "prize," and then pummel him some more.

If this guy presses a suit against the Khols' Custard shop, the judge needs to pimp slap him and order him to pay restitution to 23 year old Fizer--and then have him apologize to everyone in town for ever even claiming to have been "deblitated" by this situation. No, Stowers, you sorry, greedy, crap-for-brains SOB, Fizer's been debilitated--he lost a freaking finger and you refused to give him even a chance at having it sown back on.

Penguins don’t have to worry about West Nile Virus.

2005-05-06T10:37:00.000-11:00

They have to worry, apparently, about *Chlamydia.

Some questions and thoughts after reading the article:

Why are the zookeepers wearing protective clothing in dealing with the penguins now? If Chlamydia is transferable through saliva or bodily fluids, what do these zookeepers plan on doing with the poor foul?

Only in San Francisco can you find the world’s only penguins with STD’s (as opposed to Penguins).

Will the SCLC point to this as proof of God’s wrath upon the penguins for having in engaged in what is apparently inter-special intercourse with an infected seagull?

The penguins that did die were about 20 years old (avg. life span of a penguin is 15-20 years). So, transposing those numbers to human age estimates, the 75 year olds are the members of the penguin population getting randy and dying of STD’s. Wow…does Medicare cover STD’s? Somebody check!

The San Francisco Zoo doesn’t mention anywhere on their info page about penguin mating techniques. It does, however mention that they wear tuxedos and that Magellenic penguins hail from Chile. Well-dressed Latino pornstars have STD’s?

I originally thought this article was funnier because I misread the zoo spokesman’s name as “Jerkins,” rather than “Jenkins.” Not so funny, now.

They said that zoo keepers noticed several lethargic penguins, and that’s what tipped them off. Yeah, because everyone knows penguins get totally sleepy after having sex.

This article from sfgate is exactly the kind of reporting we need. I particularly enjoyed the part where the reporter makes commentary on what destroys the “mood” for penguin sex.

Interesting (and gross--disclaimer!!) thought: "The germ was more than likely passed through ...penguin sneeze...Or perhaps some flying penguin spit, said Bob Jenkins, the zoo's director of animal care and conservation." Yeah...or some other biological substance emitted from some horny sea gull just in from a long mission at sea.

Regardless, I can totally see a public service announcement or government policy birthing right about now....

*Yes, I know the Chlamydia in question psittaci and not trachomatis. But it's not funny unless it's sexual, duh.

Defacement and Defecation

2005-05-06T08:32:00.000-11:00

Thank goodness Chicago's Finest (taxpayer-paid) nabbed the SOB that defaced the Virgin Mary.

In other news, the bum who'd been using that underpass wall as his urinal was finally apprehended at a local soup-kitchen.

Apparently, it's a violation of the seperation of Church and State to defecate on government property in the shape of religious icons and/or deities.

Just...damn...

2005-05-06T06:31:00.000-11:00

Our *government educational system at its best.

Brilliance...

*link requires registration, but it's free

Only twice every 7,000 years...

2005-05-05T08:50:00.000-11:00

...does today's time and date occur.

At 5:05 AM and 5:05 PM today, the date and time will be: 5:05, 5/5/05.

Now the time and date thing actually occurs every 100 years--I know.

But the fact that it's a Thursday, the fifth day of the week, makes it extra special--and this is what only occurs every 7,000 years.

Now, you've probably missed your first opportunity, this morning, to celebrate. So don't waste your moment this evening.

5:05 PM today, I'm busting out the bottle of Bass Ale in my fridge, and celebrating the 7,000 year anniversary of 5:05, 5/5/05 (5th day of the week).

*Note: I do realize that 7,000 years ago, the world didn't operate on the Gregorian Calendar and thus, there was no "Thursday" and, likely, 7,000 years ago today was unlikely to be the 5th day of the "week." NEVER let the facts get in the way of an apportunity to A.) drink beer B.) eat pizza C.) have sex

"Your APness"

2005-05-05T07:05:00.000-11:00

Just say it. It's funny.

If you didn't already know, I teach senior AP British Literature. Today was their day. Some of these kids started preparing for this exam this time last year when they received their summer assignments for AP. Most of my students, however, have been preparing for a full two years, since they signed up for my Honors English course (junior year), which I have designed as specific and direct preparation for AP English.

Big day...I'm sitting on pins and needles, hoping and praying to Jehovah that I prepared them to do well in any remotely decent fashion.

They are really outstanding kids--most are smarter than I--and I'll have a hard time dealing with them leaving and graduating. The solace is that these kids are capable of amazing success in college and in work and in life...places in which I'd much rather see them than in my stuffy old classroom.

I've poured the contents of my literary, analytical, and critical mind into them--I hope it didn't damage the talent and potential that was already there.

Bomb, president...don't say it!

2005-05-03T17:25:00.000-11:00

If you watched Enemy of the State, you'd know what comes next. Myself, I'm too scared of the ghost-ops who could make my death look "natural."

Anyhow...if you get your jollies out of peeking under the government's skirt, this is fun.

Tienes un problema?

2005-05-03T16:49:00.000-11:00

In an ironic twist, American Border Agents have been arrested for smuggling illegal ammo into Mexico.

Interesting...

(quirky, reflective gaze off to the side)

We don't want people smuggling ganja into the U.S. If you do, we toss you in jail.

Mexico doesn't want people smuggling military-level ammo into their country.

Which parephenalia is more dangerous to the populace?

----------------------------------

In other news, really high Arizonans busted into a White Castle and ordered a lot of food. Employees were reportedly very startled by the voracious "munchies" the perpetrators possessed.

In a related story, several Mexican druglords shot up some villages with some heavy-grade ammo. Men, women, children, and some cattle learned the hard way that Mexico needs some stricter border control.

Viva Mexico!

"Il" to my stomach

2005-05-03T08:35:00.000-11:00

In February of this year, an Italian journalist by the name of Giuliana Sgrena was kidnapped in Iraq. She was held for several weeks before being released to a member of the Italian intelligence, Agent Nicola Calipari.

Upon reaching the U.S. military checkpoint on Airport Road, U.S. troops fired upon her vehicle, killing the AGent Calipari. There were no other passengers in the car.

For further details, you can check out a variety of news outlets, most especially today, since the Italian panel investigating the incident has published its findings this morning--and yes, it is a joke (even though they're being serious).

Apparently, the Italian "investigators" are only slightly more incisive and scrutinizing than their UN WMD counterparts. They cite stress as the variable which turned the meeting of car and troops into a tragedy.

You see, the Italian governmental fan is clogged with crap at the moment, flung by the millions of citizens who want some skulls cracked because an intelligence agent got killed by friendly fire. Okay. I get it. The automatic and understandable reaction is to hold someone accountable. Really, I do empathize. Problem is, the U.S. panel (which was teamed with the Italian one, but the minute the Italians saw that we weren't going to find our own troops at fault, they split) found that our troops weren't to blame for the incident.

So the dirty, uncivilized Americans who actually shave their women's legs and armpits and don't urinate in their own streets don't want to claim responsibility?

Oh...yeah...our side of things. The world (and a great many self-hating Americans) doesn't usually care to hear our side of things.

----DIGRESSION----

Why? Because we're America. We're big. We're rich. We're powerful. We can take the hit. We have the kevlar vest of the Constitutional Republic and the armor plating of capitalism and the ass-kicking boot of the U.S. Armed Forces protecting us. Why not blame us? It's not like we'll feel it. Why not bleed us for a little more money? It's not like McDonald's is going to shut down because Rwanda can't get its shit together. Why not spit, sneer, mock, despise, and attack everything American--we're the "favorite" of the world. The little yappy-dogs of the world would love to see us take an ego hit. It'd make them feel better to know we aren't so perfect. If you want to feel better about you and your culture or economy, just: a.) watch a Meryl Streep movie b.) watch our president hold hands with a weird-beard oil dictator c.) listen to a slurred, inebriated speech by Ted Kennedy

Yeah, I know we're cocky. It's part of our charm: the way that faint urine stench in Paris is part of its charm; the way cigarette smoke in a Waffle House is part of its charm; the way cold, damp, rainy, gloomy weather of London is part of its charm.

We got problems. Yes. We admit it. Difference is, unlike Germany and other countries that have screwed up and been on the wrong side of the issue or, even history at some point, is that we don't sit and act out a little guilt-trip for a century or two like everyone else.

----END OF DIGRESSION----

...I was saying: our version of events? The Italian government, at best, gave forewarning to an Army captain of the car's arrival, though stressed the need for secrecy--the captain, at that point, proceeded as normal. What is he supposed to do? If he orders special treatment of the car, suspicion is raised and her situation is comprimised. Let the troops do their normal routine and all safe, normal, and appropriately behaving drivers will not be shot. Simple!

So, the troops observe a car approaching the checkpoint at around 50 mph (though satellite information captured that day estimates the car was going around 60mph), unheeding of signs along the approach stating "Stay back 100 yards." I know it's difficult to read stuff at 60 mph talking about stuff 100 yards away...slow-down-much when approaching a U.S. military checkpoint where there are shaved-headed troopers armed with M16's (5.56 NATO caliber), looking generally tough and intimidating (since they aren't on "hand out food and play soccer with Iraqi kids" duty.

Italian officials cite "confusion" in that the sign had tape on it. Really. Tape. What was the tape there for? To cover up a part deemed by officials as "insensitive to Iraqi locals." The part taped up said, "Stay back 100 yards or you will be shot." See prior comments on the appearance of and the knowledge any 2nd grader has about U.S. military checkpoints.

Let's shorten the story: Agent Calipari is driving very fast for the exit ramp, fails to slow down, much less stop, continues speeding toward the road block, heedless of the loudspeaker warnings and warning shots fired in the air. At what is considered to be last-minute, troops opened fire, killing Calipari. Any wounds on the passenger, Ms. Sgrena? Nope.

The tough part for the Italians investigators is that their instructions likely sounded like this: "Find out how the Americans screwed up, or even could have screwed up." Now, who's the only Italian, non-U.S. military witness to the incident? Why, that would be Giuliana Sgrena, the passenger and recently released journalist.

You can read her published account of captivity, release, and tragedy here. Notice the "hail of bullets" part.

Here are 2 photos of the car. Notice the extent of the damage from the "hail of bullets." Ms. Sgrena has recently specified that the troops fired on the car from behind and the side. Now, I know the pictures I've linked don't have a rear view and the car's side and front show relatively little damage. Ms. Sgrena didn't receive a slug in the incident, so we know there are few, if any, bulletholes on the passenger side. There appears to be a single entry point in the lower, driver's side windsheild, and the front driver tire is flat. So, the "hail of bullets" thing sounds a bit fishy to me, especially if the rear of the car looks like the other parts.

Actually, after a reading of Ms. Sgrena's account and learning a little more about her work history and the publication she writes for (Il Manifesto), I'm not suprised she wrote what she wrote, the way she wrote it. It's a Communist publication with pointedly Anti-American views expressed. Just read the article again! This lady's a few crayons short of a full box. Hello? Can you say "Stockholme Syndrome?"

Back to stress and then we'll be done. It's clear the Italians don't have a case here. The evidence, not just the testimony, pretty much proves that Agent Calipari died due to either his own negligence or the failure of Italian officials to inform the U.S. military that we should let some silver car with two unidentified persons drive through a major checkpoint at 60 mph without searching the car or questioning them. Stress is the factor? What? Italy expects us to issue, along with grenades, first aid kits, camo, guns, and knives, a stress-relieving squishy ball? That will protect against future incidents? Neck massages? Enya cd's?

C'mon, Ms. Sgrena and Italian investigation panel. It's the U.S. Military. When we know who you are and we target you, we don't kill you in a random, unorganized hail of bullets in broad daylight. We either send you a note with a daisycutter dropped from 1.5 miles in the dead of night or we send a black-clad, night-vision-wearing ghost to snap your neck.

Finally, if we really had tried to kill you, we'd have gotten you both. Or, even more realistically, we'd have shot you and bought the Agent a cup of coffee.

This was a tragedy that could have been avoided. Calipari, whatever his mistakes (or those of his government) is dead, and that is sad. Ms. Sgrena was traumatized (understandably). The U.S. troops performed an action that led to an innocent man dying, but they followed their official procedures and I'm proud of them and am sorry for them that they are now attached (with their actions) to an incident with a terrible outcome.

NOTE: I revised a LOT of sarcasm and sick humor out of this article. What was left in the passage is meant to preserve my persona, relieve stress (I don't want to harm anyone), and keep me and you from dying of boredom.

What the...? Quagmire? I'm named after Vietnam?

2005-05-03T01:19:00.000-11:00

Which Family Guy character are you?

Abuser Interface

2005-05-02T06:22:00.000-11:00

Tired of seeing screens like this?

Me too. The buttons just don't express what I'm feeling. Clicking either of the buttons does nothing.

Why not use a version of this interface?

It simply expresses the very sentiments the user feels at the moment, while not patronizing me into thinking that an actual troubleshooting person will learn of my disconnecting "error," call me up, and walk me through the problem while calling me "Mr." and not further patronizing me by asking if I have the computer plugged in.

One down...

2005-05-01T21:30:00.000-11:00

Dude, if our politicians here in Georgia can take the time (tax-payer funded, by the way) to efface the Jim Crow-esque language of antiquated laws, why can't we go ahead and take out the old blue law sale of alcohol?

Gimme a danged break here. Sundays in Hampton are the drunkest days in the south! When Awesome Bill from Dawsonville, Earnhardt Jr., and Jeff Gordon. tug those fiberglass deathtraps into town, hundreds of thousands of Georgians, South and North Carolinans, and Alabamans flock across the border and pay Marlboro and Bud's bills for the year. Blue Law my butt...more like hyper-sensitive moral majority laws to me.

Keeping me from buying booze on Sunday doesn't keep me from drinking it. Again, how can the state, or even well-meaning, but ultimately hyper-controlling members of society even logically defend using the force of law--and therefore, the force of gun--to keep me from buying a six pack of Red Stripe?

There is no Old Testament commandment, Paul doesn't say not to drink or purchase alcohol on Sunday, nor does it appear as any commandment anywhere else in the Bible. It teaches temperance and the lack of wisdom on the part of drunkards. But it doesn't say, "Jesus condemns those who purchaseth Tecate on the Sabbath."

What's that? Oh....I see. It's a moral rule we made up, based on Biblical teaching. Gotcha. Kinda like what the Pharisee's did, right? What happened to those Pharisee guys? I wonder...

If I want to mildly poison my liver on the Lord's Day, that's between me and Him. Not you. You need to get right with Him on your hang ups about birth control, animal testing, tuna friendly dolphin chunks, voting Green Party, watching The Newlyweds, and believing Shawn Hannity 100% of the time because he agrees with Rush. That right there comes loosely from Matthew, chapter 7. The part about not sticking your nose in my business. Not the part about the Greens or Rush or any of that.

For crying out loud, you nanny-state, abusing the power of the law to make me believe and act in the way you want me to people, I'm just as worried about drunk drivers as you are, but I don't think drunk drivers are any more a danger on Sunday than any other day of the week. You can shove that crap back up your butt and poop it elsewhere. I can smell it and I know it and call it what it is--rhetorical crap you don't believe, but will continue to propagate because it furthers your annoying, invasive agenda.

Kansas just got on board. How long until we get the idea?

For a positive, rewarding, edifying, and thirst-inducing commentary on alcohol, check out the Sudspundit.

Uber-geekdom...

2005-05-01T20:23:00.000-11:00

...is best described in examples.

1.) World of Warcraft role players

2.) Star Wars "fans" who "protest" Lucas' decision to not premiere Ep. III at their theatre of choice. (see April 15 posting)

3. This guy.

4. I know it's enormously difficult and I could never do it, but still...

5. 'Nuff said

6. I can understanda little...so, yeah...I'm a distant 5th cousin of the uber-geek breed.

7. Find out if you're a geek.

8. If you're worried, not about geekiness, but nerdiness, try here.

Remember, I'm an equal opportunity offender of both the popular and geeky. Having never been a member of the former, I do it out of spite. Being a member of the latter, I do it out of self-loathing.

Every vote counts...

2005-04-29T05:42:00.000-11:00

...twice, or even three times if you vote Democrat!

Well, admittedly, the issue is, for the time being, moo ("moo" point=cow's opinion; it's "moo"), as Gov. Perdue signed the bill into law.

Quick explanation for those of you too lazy to read the article:

Voter fraud runs rampant in our election system--and yes, on both sides; the Republicans just aren't as good at it and don't get a free pass on it from the media. Anyhow, the Democrats in Georgia, specifically black demagogues, have their panties in a wad over the law's requirement that in order to vote, you have to show a photo ID of some sort.

Opposition says that the bill harkens back to Jim Crow laws (the last linguistic vestiges of which he just had "erased" from the legislative records to appease said "opposition") because roughly 3% of blacks and elderly in Georgia are unlikely to posses a form of photo ID.

Simple! Logical! Common Sense! If you want to vote, you have to be capable of proving who you are. People of all colors and ages and political views have shown that "my word" is a sh*tty "bond." If you want every vote to count, make every vote legitimate.

Add to this situation that a large portion of today's lazy-assed American citizenry goes absolutely monkey-nuts over free stuff: a Georgia photo ID is FREE.

When Harvel Simpson votes, showing his GA ID in Campbellton, I want it recorded, counted, and tagged. When he tries to vote again in Macon, I want him fined $200 and his name published on a list of fraudulent voters, along with WHO he voted for when he voted legitimately.

I'm tired of the tail wagging the whole freaking dog. Not that I'm in love with majority rule, but as far as making things that we have to or get to do fair for as many as people as possible, I'm good. It's rare that 97% of people are already set up and capable of following a particular law or set of rules. In my view, if you actually give a crap about the 3% who don't have ID's, stop voting for your own salary increases and spend that tax money on bussing those folks to an ID office and get them what they need.

You want to protect people from being disenfranchised? I think having people from another party vote as many times as they can while your "poor, downtrodden working class" voter only gets one vote pretty much disenfranchises your "poor, downtrodden working class" voter--don't it?

Finally, the very concept that blacks are the target of a bill/law that attempts to legitimize voting through appropriate and accurate identification is inherently racist--as though whites or asians or natives don't have any need to hide their voting habits, but blacks do. Also, don't try to feed me that crap about how showing an ID as a black voter will make it more likely that said black voter will be disenfranchised because of race--what? I have to have an ID to realize someone's black? If someone's racist, they don't need your ID to help them in their racist endeavors. But, if you want to be sure that the person voting is who they are and that you catch them if they try to vote illegally (as in, a second time), then having a photo ID is a good first step.

Best thing since sliced...

2005-04-29T04:30:00.000-11:00

...skin.

I wonder--back when the Israelites were wandering the Sinai Peninsula, was it considered wise to eat at the deli right next to the circumcision tent?

Benjamin: "Oy! Holy Father Abraham! Moredechai, does this sandvich taste a little mashugina to you?"

Mordechai: "Oy vey, Ben! Your sandvich has a slice of..."

Benjamin: "Oy! Don't say it, Mordechai!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Yep. I went there.

SEAL of approval

2005-04-29T03:03:00.000-11:00

I could be a S.E.A.L.

At least, I could meet the requirments of application under the Navy's civilian recruitment guide.

Now as to my inability to take orders, follow orders, put down my video game/cup of coffee, take dumps in public restrooms, or touch icky things--that disqualifies me.

Darn...back to the battlefield of public education...(sigh)

Poor policy?

2005-04-28T11:28:00.000-11:00

Seeing as how you're on the up-side of the "Digital Divide," go read this real quick.

Now--the public library is just that--public. It's not private property. We can't just make up any old unfair rules that serve the whims of the crotchety librarians. But, we don't--we make rules there that are for the good of public library patrons.

Second, the institution of the public library is predicated on the concept that:
a.) it is better that our citizens be educated, so we'll provide them materials with which to learn
b.) people who don't have the money to buy educational materials should still have access to said materials--we'll provide a few copies for no significant charge
c.) people who want to enjoy fiction/magazines/newspapers/internet, and can't afford them, should get some exposure every now and then, too--we'll provide that, too.
d.) some people need a nice, clean, quiet place to study, ready, or write--we just happen to have a building we use to store all our crap in--no biggie for us to drop some tables and chairs in there, too.

I'm sorry; I agree with the ordinances and I see their necessity, but the situation shouldn't have even gotten this far.

While America and Americans are friendly and generous, overall (the most friendly and generous, compared to the rest of the world), when we provide something for a specific public use and people end up using it or abusing it for another purpose (which it was not designed for), I take issue. So should the library and general public.

See, the library bathroom is for quick #1 or #2 stop overs. The table is for books and paper and computers. The hallways and study rooms are for walking and studying. The library is not a hotel. I don't pay tax money to turn the library into a shelter for people who are down on their luck or lazy or just in a bad spot. I pay taxes that go into Welfare and a variety of other crappily-run programs for that sort of thing.

These ordinances don't target homeless people--they target abusers of public facilities. Just because they're homeless doesn't mean they're exempt from laws; they aren't exempt from demonstrating an understanding of public decorum.

No, I don't blame them for being dirty or smelly. Yes, I can understand why they're cold or hungry. But, if you're going to be homeless and in the public library (of which you aren't funding with any taxes), the least you can do is read a book on auto repair or something. That way, you might educate yourself--maybe someday, you might hold a job and pay for your own way and join us "more fortunate" folks in persecuting the homeless. It'll be fun. Whaddya say?

Blue Collar Star Wars

2005-04-28T05:07:00.000-11:00

Man, my heart goes out to George. He's just a simple Joe, like you and me. Puts his $300 jeans and $450 plaid flannel shirt on, and gets down to business--the business of the daily grind. You know what I mean.

Eight hours a day, 5 days a week. Man, it's a drag--it's tough to just get out of my $3,500 Skywalker Ranch bed in the morning.

George Lucas, I salute you. We should make a beer commercial for you. You know, the ones where they salute the "wing man" or the "expensive coffee pourer" guy.

Anyhow, here's looking at you, Big G. Thanks for grinding out what will most likely be another poor excuse for an action figure advertisement. I just hope you included some more of that award-winning dialogue ala Episode II. Maybe you could use some of my suggestions for what the Dark Lord of the Sith could say:

1. "Sand is rough? I like rough. C'mere, Padme. I'll show you rough."
2. "I have a daughter? Dang...she's pretty hot...what? I'm the Dark Lord of the Sith and I can't be a pedophile???"
3. "I said 'yipee'? Damn...if I could go back, I'd cut my own damned hand off."
4. "Dooku. You are teh ghey suxxorz. Time to snuff it, fogey."
5. "So, Obi-Wan. Blue or red lightsaber enemma?"
6. "Hmmm...Darth....Darth...what? What really says 'evil, scary, I choke my own men and try to murder my own children?' Maul's taken. Sidious is cool, but it's taken too. Sauron? Nah...gotta be bodiless, formless evil--and then I wouldn't get to wear my nifty armor. I'll think about it on the elevator...whoa! Hold on a sec!"
7. "I killed the whole village of worthless, godless, heathen sandpeople... What? I don't care? Oh. Cool."
8. "Okay...to do. New face mask? Check. Murder Jedi council? Check. Submit curriculum vitae to Sith-intern counselor? Check...oh, yeah. Get uber British accent."
9. "Yoda, you were right. Fear does lead to suffering. Yours, you damned sock puppet!"
10. "Midichlorians, sh-midichlorians--I inherited Johnny Cash's wardrobe!"

Ossama Bin Reilly?

2005-04-28T01:58:00.000-11:00

You saw it here first...or, actually, here.

This is my kind of rant!

2005-04-28T01:49:00.000-11:00

Sarcastic, informed, and appropriately insensitive.

This is the tone--smarmy, smug, and right--that I dream of acheiving.

All I end up with is a bunch of poop jokes, listing-syntax, and despicable, sophomoric analogies.

Try, try again!

Professor Mike Adams

So, a more experienced blogger than I...

2005-04-27T17:42:00.000-11:00

...recommended that I include more personal, daily sorts of information in my own blog. Always open to advice and criticism--unless it bruises my ego or I don't like it, of course.

So...I taught 6 hours today. Or, at least, 6 periods. No--check that. I taught 6 periods minus the last 30 minutes. Had to go to the dentist to get a filling. Fun.

If I have to go to a dentist, this is the guy I want to see. Dr. Larry Webb, located in the Southlake Mall Dental Facility. Friendly, explains stuff, uses as little fear and pain as possible, and absolutely no lectures to the patient, no matter how bad your teeth are.

I played a little World of Warcraft (yes, I will post about that game at a later time) with my friend, Kenny. I ate a ham, American cheese, and pepperoni sandwhich. Threw a stuffed animal at my cat, Murphy.

I'll probably play a little more WoW later, if I don't download an update of Duke Nukem and try that out.

Added 2 new links over on the right.

Yeah. This isn't working for me. My life is boring as H-E-double-toothpicks.

Back to ranting...

Leslie Ouy...

2005-04-27T13:52:00.000-11:00

...despite what people say about you, you are not a loser.

You, are, however, a poser. Just like me.

Nevertheless, Ouy's got a black belt...

...in keepin' it real.

Sweet Home Alabama

2005-04-26T09:44:00.000-11:00

Everybody has to have at least one obligatory "Bama's inbred" posting on their blog. I picked a doozy.

Her name is "Rotton." Sheesh.

Worse? Okay. The sheriff actually had to tell them twice to stop.

Finally...you find out you have cancer and this is how you "go crazy?" No sky-diving? No wild Las Vegas casino trip? No standing on skyscraper ledges? This??

Silence is golden...

2005-04-26T08:50:00.000-11:00

...except when it's the "state-mandated" moment of silence, currently in place throughout Georgia Public Schools.

Understand, I go to church. I'm a Christian. I believe in Jesus and God and salvation through faith. My wife and I pray and tithe together. I buy it, so understand that what I'm about to say is aimed at the establishment (religion) and many of my fellow Christians (some "so-called" Christians) who happen to be manipulating public schools and the law to make complete jerks of themselves.

If you're uninformed as to what the moment of silence is (hereafter identified as "MOS"), it's a "comprimise" between religious zealots and moral/religious relativists. You see, from the zealot's perspective, it's not good enough that you teach your kid the family religious beliefs in the home--nope. Not near enough. You have to repair the neglectful damage done by atheistic parents and move mandatory prayer into public schools.

Now, I'd be okay with the whole, "Well, that atheist kid don't have to pray. They can just stand there while we exercise our freedom of religion! They're free not to pray." Okay. I'll call your bluff. Just stand there, in return, when Achmed, the local 7-11 proprieter's son, decides to dedicate a wailing, ululating prayer to Allah over the P.A. before the next Statesboro v. Effingham football game. Just stand there and appreciate their right to freedom of religion. No grumbling. No complaining.

And don't give me that crap about "this country's a democracy!" It's not. Go slap your government school civics teacher for letting you pass his class. Democracy is mob rule. If you smugly express your love for democracy, you're expressing love for the situation set up in 1955 Montgomery, AL. So, just because it's convenient for you that America has more Christians than any other religion, doesn't mean the Christian masses should dictate what's what (and believe me, it would be convenient for me if this were true...but it wouldn't make it right).

Now, the moral/religious relativists don't want any reference to religion, especially prayer in school. It makes the Shintoist/Buddhist/Hindu/Muslim/non-Judeo-Christian kids feel uncomfortable. Sorry. Then the Bill of Rights, the U.S. Constitution, and the fact that our rights are sovereign becuase God gave 'em to us makes you uncomfortable. To be honest, for some of you out there, it makes me a little uncomfortable that you have the same rights as me. But, them's the breaks and I deal with that discomfort. You can't just delete or censor your way to bliss and comfort. We live in a country designed by Christians to include, not encourage or edify, other religions. I think both parties in this case have forgotten that...

...well, speaking of comprimise, if you're married or have any working knowledge of relationships and group dynamics, you know that it's not a comprimise until everybody's equally unhappy. So, back in the mid 90's, the GA D.O.E. decided to "mandate" (look up that definition to realize the potential scariness of the term "state mandated") a moment each morning, set aside not for prayer, but for "reflection." Thus, the Christian kids get a time set aside to pray (but don't get to call it that)--because apparently you can't do it unless someone's set aside a state mandated time for it...and the relatavists get to brag that they A.) kept the Christians from getting their way and B.) provided kids from all other religions and non-religions a time in which to reflect and to pray--because they apparently can't do it unless someone's set aside a state mandated time for it.

despite being a heavyweight Bible-beater in high school, I never used that time for prayer (though I could). But, on a daily basis, for the last 12 or so years, students everywhere have used it as a way to test the toothlessness of this state mandate. Hell...my own high school didn't even execute it half the time.

Kids use it the same way I used it--to burp, hum, beat on desks, whisper, whistle, and flatulate--all in the name of seeing what we can get away with.

I therefore propose the following:

Do away with the MOS. Mandate a "Ten Minutes of Silence." For ten minutes, regardless of race, culture, or religion, students all shut their filthy pie-holes. This will teach them silence. They can pray, doodle, draw, gather their thoughts, sleep, listen to lecture, whatever. Just shut the crap up and learn what most people never learn to do--how to shut up.

Violators get duct tape wrapped around their head. Unfair or cruel or injurious to their dignity? Trust me, you'll learn about poor self-esteem when everyone in the real world learns what a retarded, ignorant, filth-spewing punk you are because you never learned any freakin' control. That, and it's mandated--that means you piss off the government, you get beat down. Heck...if we're going to do it, might as well be honest about what we're doing.

I sure could have used the Ten Minutes of Silence. What's worse is that someone told me about blogs and now I've got a more efficient medium through which to run my mouth.

In honor of my idea, I will now refrain from posting on this blog for the next 10 minutes. Hey, gotta put your money where your mouth is, if you want to be taken seriously. Am I right?

The Tragic Kingdom

2005-04-25T09:10:00.000-11:00

The Red Commies lose the Cold War--Communism takes a nose dive. Ugly, pale white people in Slovenia get a chance for real freedom. Belarussians get a wider comedic choice than Yakov Smirnof. Metallica finally replaces David Hasselhof in Eastern Germany...

...and Putin says this was a bad thing?

No...this is a tragedy--and, no, Godzilla didn't do it.

This, too, is a tragedy.

As well as many of these.

But, this...this, my friends, is a real tragedy.

I mean, give me a freaking break! Emergency workers are sent? Like, one moment she's Ally McBeal and the next--

"Whoa! How'd I get so morbidly obese? I gotta put this health shake down! Call for an ambulance! My skin has spontaneously expanded to cover an unexpected explosion of gelatinous steak/bread/chocolate-pudding-esque tissue in my body! Help! It's so unexpected!"

No...she ended up as a mass of quavering, putrifying flesh--grafted to the fabric of her couch, mind you--by (dun-dah-dah-dahhhh!) eating everything in her apartment. In fact, I believe there was a mysterious account of her Chinese neighbor reporting his beagle and two infant sons missing a week earlier. That, and the apartment's satellite dish was later found with the remnants of what looked to be a massive lard-sundae in it.

Here's the news story, rewritten for brevity and accuracy:

Stuart, FL--August 11, 2004:

Gayle Grinds, 480 lb lard-ass, died a horrific and embarrassing death at the local hospital. She died, if you hadn't already gathered, from being enormously fat. Darwin in action, folks. Don't do this to yourselves. Her ass was actually grafted to the fabric of her Lazy-Boy! They called in a haz-mat team! They couldn't even use an ambulance, for Pete's sake. They actually busted out a crane after she broke a fork-lift.

Her roommate, Herman Thomas, was arrested on one count of "not kicking her butt off the couch when she only weighed 170lbs" and one count of "continuing to bring her 4 loaves of bread, 2 gallons of milk, and an entire carton of Swiss Cake Rolls every day for the last year and a half."

Seriously, as a public service announcement, learn from this lady. You'll enjoy the feeling of exhileration after you win your first game of dodgeball or walk to the bathroom without your calve fat-wraps not popping off under the stress.

Now, on to sports...

The only trophy you'll take into Heaven with you...

2005-04-24T02:47:00.000-11:00

Ironically, I post this before I head to church this breezy and chilly Sunday morning (Georgia has idiotic weather--balances out having the best weather man in the south, Kirk Mellisch).

Reading Foxnews.com and this article.

My kid sister was on the high school "dance team." Yeah, I know, she's white (and was in high school, too). There were several times when I, her big brother, suffering from the male gene of "I own females in my family and, as a descendant of gorillas, am particularly territorial--especially when other males of my species sit and stare," wanted to stride purposefully down to the gym floor, wrap a huge cotton bath robe around said kid-sister, duct tape it shut, and toss her in a closet until she reached appropriate *"being-hot age."

Basically, high school girls, good or not, end up wrecking havoc upon the heads (yes both of 'em) of males. I can understand the insatiable desire to pulverize something out of sheer sexual frustration--girls have that affect (both through annoyance and hormonal tension). The truly spirit-torturing thing is that us guys can't ever tell for sure if they do it innocently (i.e. they don't realize they're torturing us) or if it's a calculated procedure, designed for the greatest displeasure/pleasure to get back at us for developing patriarchial societies and not putting the toilet lid back down.

Now, to the article. I always wondered if the good little Christian girls were bothered by the overtly sexual gyrations they had to particpate in when they made the cheer-leading squad. Is that what Jesus, had he been a she, would have done? I don't know. If so, he'd have been one good looking Saviorette (actually, not, since somewhere in Isaiah it says the Messiah wouldn't be very attractive).

I direct your attention to the end of the article. At this point, I think you should be congratulating the coach and her squad on making a decision that is constructive, based on free choice, and is not restrictive of "secular" girls' opportunities to shake their groove thangs.

That said, I think she ends up being a little too self-congratulatory when she tells her girls that the "Spirit of Competition Award for Outstanding Sportsmanship" will be the "only tropy you'll take into Heaven with you."

Nope. Not your virtue, your sense of self-respect, your integrity, your dignity, your Pulitzer, your saint-hood, or your humble, thankful praise to Jesus for saving your sinner's butt--none of these will go with you. Just pick up the FCA cheerleading spirit stick and vacate Earth. Jesus is calling and he wants to see your routine.

*"being hot age" is most appropriately the demarcation between your first year of college and your second. Right after high school graduation is too early to be hot, since you're freaking just out of high school! Freshman year of college makes you a college freshman and being hot enough for actual pursuit turns any guy into Jeff Tham. Thus, once you're finished with your freshman year of college, I will safely consider you hot, except in rare cases like Natalie Portman.

Safety first!

2005-04-23T18:25:00.000-11:00

If you're a traveler (or simply a raunchy oddity like me), you'll need these if you want to keep your money or credit cards safe when you leave the room--not that you'd leave money or credit cards in your room while you're out, because then how would you buy chips at the casino?

Hitchhiker's Guide

2005-04-23T08:53:00.000-11:00

I'm very much looking forward to this flick. The book has been on my to-read list for an embarrassingly long time and, now that I've gotten half-way through it (thanks Eric Brown), I find that Sam Rockwell is the perfect man for the role of Zaphod Breeblebox.

What an uncanny smile--both friendly and untrustable. My kind of person. If you're a fan, you'll remember his work as Wild Bill in The Green Mile and as Guy Fleegman in Galaxy Quest. His best work, though, is found in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.

Hitchhiker, though Douglas Adams is dead, will hopefully be worth something to write about. The book certainly is. Adams would have been an appropriate addition to the British Python crew--he was basically writing what they were doing. I'm a fan of randomness mixed with confusing science and fantastical extrapolations upon reality, so this book pleases me.

It's a quick read and the characters kind of matter to me. If you're the kind that really needs your characters, and what's at stake for them, to move you, this book will take you a little longer to have that goal achieved--I mean, c'mon, Arthur Dent's homeplanet (and mine) is destroyed--kind of difficult to get you to grasp an idea of that horrendously big and final magnitude. Nevertheless, through understatement and dry Limey whit, Adams pulls it off.

Anyhow, here's to hoping it doesn't suck as bad as I'm afraid Revenge of the Sith will.

DSL or Cable?

2005-04-23T08:19:00.000-11:00

Cable, as DSL plainly sucks major donkey privates.

Case closed.

Earth Day and ANWR

2005-04-22T11:40:00.000-11:00

Hell, yeah.

Fortuitous that I open my blog on a psuedo-important day, and a political day, at that.

Earth Day (and just about all things "earth focused") has been commandeered by lobbyists. I'm not the first to say it, but I'm sure I'm the umpteenth to reiterate it: the left has taken over the true conservationist movement as a haven for preaching at the general public and for villifying the right (as opposed to the right using poor Mrs. Schiavo to villify the left).

Good news is that the new energy bill has just passed in the House and might make it through the Senate. If we have a majority of republicans on the review panel with actual gonads, the bill might make it to see the light of day. Now, it has teeth--albeit baby teeth of the equivalent danger of those dulled, rounded scissors retarded kindergarteners use--but it does include one important item:

The open exploration and use of the Artic National Wildlife Refuge http://www.anwr.org/.

You and I are paying about $2.05 for the cheap grade gas, a barrel of crude costs around $57, and some sheik--who beats his daughters for showing their bare elbows, calls me the Great Satan for watching Baywatch, and feeds cash to bomb-vest wearing malcontents--sits on his red-tasseled cushion and heaves with GUT-LAUGHTER.

NOT my first choice for oil dependency.

The ANWR item doesn't solve our oil dependecy problem, just like tossing Saddam into Old Sparky and lighting him up won't make terrorists love us more. But, it's a good first step. It's estimate that the coastal plain in the territory may hold up to 200,000,000,000 barrels of oil (yeah, count those zeroes...billion, baby). Now, America's going to tear through that in several years with our SUV's, jets, military machine, and the production of Monster Garage, but opening the door to actually getting oil on our own would be awesome. Just think--if the left embraced this, Viggo Mortenson and the thousands of mindless Kool-Aid drinkers out there could have their demands met. You know...their cute little tee shirts that say, "No more war for oil."

I'm all for pulling our men and women out of that sandy hell-hole we call Baghdad and telling all those mullahs and dictators with funny hats, "The Great Satan's got all the gas he needs, boys. Jihad yourselves until your blue in the face."

Then we can just mine the border (to the south, of course...we leave Canada open becuase we have to leave a way for granny to cross over and get her drugs cheap...and hell...they're French up there, aren't they? What...like they're going to invade?), build our anti-missile system, keep writing episodes of "24" and C.S.I., and drive our damned cars for cheap.

Count your stinking blessings I don't run things. Beer, computer games, Twinkies, and Jennifer Connelly trading cards would be available in vending machines.

Burn the podium...

2005-04-22T09:05:00.000-11:00

Alright. If you're reading this, you want me--read that in any way that is either appropriate, safe, or legal in the upper 48 states or in your parents' house. See, I teach high school and some of my cherubic little future criminals might be reading and, as I'm a non-dues paying non-educational union non-member, I have zilch legal coverage should one of my prepubscent hyperhormonal hobbits read, hear, see, or learn anthing here that mom or dad or their youth pastor thinks is naughty, mm'kay?

You love me--see? You're still reading. You obviously love me.

So, let's square up here: I'm going to spout off about whatever I think or like or hate in a way that I really hope you find either entertaining, agreeable, provacative, or downright infuriating. I aim to please and now that I've provided you my thoughts (which was first on your wish list, right?), I aim to keep you begging for more like a fat nerd at the Star Wars Cake Convention.

What can you expect? Stuff about movies, books, politics, education, music, art (probably not), and whatever the heck else I can manage to vomit up onto this page between teaching, playing World of Warcraft, reading Penny Arcade, finishing the six books I have in my office, and trying to please my wife--and by please, I don't mean that "please." I mean "please" in a way that keeps me not in trouble and her with warm, fuzzy feelings of love, patience, loyalty, gratitude, and the desire for some "eree-eree" (noble attempt at onomatopoeia--yeah, I spelled it right--yeah, I knew you'd tried to check).

Stay tuned for more, Spidey fans.

Oh...and if you're someone that doesn't like me, I guess this blog is a bolstering element to your case against me. Being me is a self-contained vicious-cycle.